Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 21:20:22 GMT
Shrek the Turd (also called the Third by people who have not seen it.)
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Two Face said that...just before he became a villain...and he was right, damn it!
This is a pretty good summary of the Shrek franchise.
The first Shrek film was a fresh and original take on animated family films. It took a mocking swipe at the conventions of Disney movies, with a villain intent on creating his "perfect kingdom".
A sequel followed and (remarkably) it was even better than the first one! It expanded on the ideas of the first film, building on and improving on what had gone before.
It ended on an incredibly cool and funny final chase that included Jennifer Saunders singing a bonkers version of "holding out for a hero" that really has to be seen to be believed.
This proves that sequels do not always suck.
Unfortunately, an even more dependable rule is that the third entry in a trilogy will always be total shit.
And so we come to Shrek the Third.
It really is a weird experience watching this film, because it looks like the previous Shrek films, the characters have the same names as in the previous Shrek films but that is really where the similarities come to an end.
It feels rather like it was made by someone who had seen a Shrek film and vaguely understood what was happening on screen and decided that it should be pretty simple to slap together their own Shrek movie.
How hard could it be?
To make it easier, let me just list some of the key mistakes, fuck ups and shit that the franchise spews upon us in this film.
1- Missing The Point
The previous films were based on the idea that Shrek was a monster, a loner and an outsider. It was a subversion of the cinematic fairy tale conventions to have him then be the hero who saves the day. He doesn't turn into a price in the end...the princess turns into an ogre!
Shrek the Third has the bad guy get together an army of evil fairy tail villains (without the big bad wolf...he's already a good guy). These consist of some evil trees, a cyclops, walking suits of armour....you know, the classics. There is also a really lame captain hook and a load of witches (try not to get too excited here.)
They are evil villains being evil. No subversion, no twist, just exactly what you would expect evil villains to be doing.
These guys are led by Prince Charming who has been elevated from the rank of comedy evil side kick to main villain because the writers have run entirely out of ideas.
His evil plan is to march in with his evil army and take over.
I bet the writers were up all night thinking of that one.
2- The Vanishing Guards.
In the second film the castle was defended by an army of knights. When the bad guys invade in this film, they walk right in with no contest.
Now that would be odd enough, but then once the castle is taken...the guards show up in bad guy uniforms! Where did they get evil uniforms? Who knows? I guess the bad guy brought them with him.
They now work for the bad guy and appear entirely loyal, the point of capturing princess Fiona on Prince Charming's orders.
This is made even weirder when none of the characters comment on it.
Fiona doesn't even try just saying "I am your queen, arrest this usurper!"
She just seems to accept that since they put on bad guy uniforms, they work for him now.
3- No one understands the monarchy.
I will resist the urge to make jokes about Americans being confused by the idea of a monarchy at this point, but whoever made this film does NOT get it.
The concept seems simple enough- When the ruler dies their child gets the job, failing that their next closest relative.
So when Shrek decides he does not want to be king (he married princess Fiona) Short of a divorce or murdering her, he wouldn't really have much say in the matter since she is the ruler not him. But this movie is kinda sexist so it's assumed that if he find a replacement king he is off the hook and so goes looking for King Arthur.
Unless he wants Arthur to marry Fiona...this plan does not really make any sense.
But it turns out its not just Shrek that doesn't understand succession.
Prince Charming of all people seems pretty baffled by the concept.
When he captures Shrek and Arthur he recognises who Arthur is (and that he is next in line.) Shrek then insults Arthur and says he was just part of his plans and he doesn't really care about Arthur.
Arthur gets upset and leaves.
Charming allows this.
This is presented as some kind of cunning plan by Shrek.
Why Charming doesn't realise that killing Shrek would just make Arthur king and leaving a claimant alive and running loose is a ridiculously bad idea is not clear(and yes it does make him lose in the end of the movie...how did you guess?)
4- Freaky Friday Body Swapping
The two side kicks (Puss In Boots and Donkey) swap minds and voices.
Yes, they actually use this gimic.
And they don't go anywhere with it.
Its not important and not funny and gets put back to normal by the end of the movie without consequence.
Calling it a subplot would be an exaggeration.
5-Eric Idle is in it
You know when this money grubbing former Python shows up its a bad sign.
I swear he made some kind of deal with the devil in order to make Monty Python funny and in exchange he has to agree to appear in any movie he is asked to be in regardless of quality.
These days I am pretty sure he wouldn't turn down a part in the recording of my children's birthday party....though I dare not ask him. Considering the lazy performances he has been putting in since Monty Python finished, I wouldn't want him to wreck it for the kids.
6- Every New Character Sucks
King Arthur, Merlin, a load of princesses, probably some other twats I cant even remember, every new character this movie includes it boring, forgettable and pointless. You'd think you could make one of them seem interesting just by random chance, but there is not one here that anyone would be talking about when they finish the film (except in snarky reviews...obviously!)
7- Build Up To Nothing
The end scene works its way up to final confrontation where it seems Shrek is going to killed during a play Charming has put on to make himself look good (while weirdly making his own songs sound evil...which just makes the whole situation feel confusing.)
Then all of the good guys, who have been rushing from various places to help him, arrive to make the rescue.
And then bad guys jumps out and capture them all.
Just like that.
The film makers had an ending in mind that requires everyone to be captured so they have to just suddenly have previously competent fighters instantly beaten so that they can get to the uninspired finish.
How contrived is this? They capture the Dragon by pointing crossbows at it.
A fucking 50 foot tall dragon that breaths fire and no knight in the kingdom could fight...beaten by just pointing a few crossbows at it.
Did they even watch the first two films before making this trash?
8-Nothing Is FUNNY!
This movie makes no sense, has no heart, no point and was clearly made to just drain more cash from the Shrek franchise.
But most tellingly...it just isn't funny.
All the humour, all the wit all the cleverness has been drained away.
We are left with an empty husk of a Shrek film, bled white of any possible entertainment.
To sum up, if you want to know how bad this film is...let me quote what a lot of reviews of the next film - Shrek Ever After.
"At least its not Shrek the Third"
Whatever shit they may make or remake with the Shrek franchise in the future, this will always stay the bench mark for bad.
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Two Face said that...just before he became a villain...and he was right, damn it!
This is a pretty good summary of the Shrek franchise.
The first Shrek film was a fresh and original take on animated family films. It took a mocking swipe at the conventions of Disney movies, with a villain intent on creating his "perfect kingdom".
A sequel followed and (remarkably) it was even better than the first one! It expanded on the ideas of the first film, building on and improving on what had gone before.
It ended on an incredibly cool and funny final chase that included Jennifer Saunders singing a bonkers version of "holding out for a hero" that really has to be seen to be believed.
This proves that sequels do not always suck.
Unfortunately, an even more dependable rule is that the third entry in a trilogy will always be total shit.
And so we come to Shrek the Third.
It really is a weird experience watching this film, because it looks like the previous Shrek films, the characters have the same names as in the previous Shrek films but that is really where the similarities come to an end.
It feels rather like it was made by someone who had seen a Shrek film and vaguely understood what was happening on screen and decided that it should be pretty simple to slap together their own Shrek movie.
How hard could it be?
To make it easier, let me just list some of the key mistakes, fuck ups and shit that the franchise spews upon us in this film.
1- Missing The Point
The previous films were based on the idea that Shrek was a monster, a loner and an outsider. It was a subversion of the cinematic fairy tale conventions to have him then be the hero who saves the day. He doesn't turn into a price in the end...the princess turns into an ogre!
Shrek the Third has the bad guy get together an army of evil fairy tail villains (without the big bad wolf...he's already a good guy). These consist of some evil trees, a cyclops, walking suits of armour....you know, the classics. There is also a really lame captain hook and a load of witches (try not to get too excited here.)
They are evil villains being evil. No subversion, no twist, just exactly what you would expect evil villains to be doing.
These guys are led by Prince Charming who has been elevated from the rank of comedy evil side kick to main villain because the writers have run entirely out of ideas.
His evil plan is to march in with his evil army and take over.
I bet the writers were up all night thinking of that one.
2- The Vanishing Guards.
In the second film the castle was defended by an army of knights. When the bad guys invade in this film, they walk right in with no contest.
Now that would be odd enough, but then once the castle is taken...the guards show up in bad guy uniforms! Where did they get evil uniforms? Who knows? I guess the bad guy brought them with him.
They now work for the bad guy and appear entirely loyal, the point of capturing princess Fiona on Prince Charming's orders.
This is made even weirder when none of the characters comment on it.
Fiona doesn't even try just saying "I am your queen, arrest this usurper!"
She just seems to accept that since they put on bad guy uniforms, they work for him now.
3- No one understands the monarchy.
I will resist the urge to make jokes about Americans being confused by the idea of a monarchy at this point, but whoever made this film does NOT get it.
The concept seems simple enough- When the ruler dies their child gets the job, failing that their next closest relative.
So when Shrek decides he does not want to be king (he married princess Fiona) Short of a divorce or murdering her, he wouldn't really have much say in the matter since she is the ruler not him. But this movie is kinda sexist so it's assumed that if he find a replacement king he is off the hook and so goes looking for King Arthur.
Unless he wants Arthur to marry Fiona...this plan does not really make any sense.
But it turns out its not just Shrek that doesn't understand succession.
Prince Charming of all people seems pretty baffled by the concept.
When he captures Shrek and Arthur he recognises who Arthur is (and that he is next in line.) Shrek then insults Arthur and says he was just part of his plans and he doesn't really care about Arthur.
Arthur gets upset and leaves.
Charming allows this.
This is presented as some kind of cunning plan by Shrek.
Why Charming doesn't realise that killing Shrek would just make Arthur king and leaving a claimant alive and running loose is a ridiculously bad idea is not clear(and yes it does make him lose in the end of the movie...how did you guess?)
4- Freaky Friday Body Swapping
The two side kicks (Puss In Boots and Donkey) swap minds and voices.
Yes, they actually use this gimic.
And they don't go anywhere with it.
Its not important and not funny and gets put back to normal by the end of the movie without consequence.
Calling it a subplot would be an exaggeration.
5-Eric Idle is in it
You know when this money grubbing former Python shows up its a bad sign.
I swear he made some kind of deal with the devil in order to make Monty Python funny and in exchange he has to agree to appear in any movie he is asked to be in regardless of quality.
These days I am pretty sure he wouldn't turn down a part in the recording of my children's birthday party....though I dare not ask him. Considering the lazy performances he has been putting in since Monty Python finished, I wouldn't want him to wreck it for the kids.
6- Every New Character Sucks
King Arthur, Merlin, a load of princesses, probably some other twats I cant even remember, every new character this movie includes it boring, forgettable and pointless. You'd think you could make one of them seem interesting just by random chance, but there is not one here that anyone would be talking about when they finish the film (except in snarky reviews...obviously!)
7- Build Up To Nothing
The end scene works its way up to final confrontation where it seems Shrek is going to killed during a play Charming has put on to make himself look good (while weirdly making his own songs sound evil...which just makes the whole situation feel confusing.)
Then all of the good guys, who have been rushing from various places to help him, arrive to make the rescue.
And then bad guys jumps out and capture them all.
Just like that.
The film makers had an ending in mind that requires everyone to be captured so they have to just suddenly have previously competent fighters instantly beaten so that they can get to the uninspired finish.
How contrived is this? They capture the Dragon by pointing crossbows at it.
A fucking 50 foot tall dragon that breaths fire and no knight in the kingdom could fight...beaten by just pointing a few crossbows at it.
Did they even watch the first two films before making this trash?
8-Nothing Is FUNNY!
This movie makes no sense, has no heart, no point and was clearly made to just drain more cash from the Shrek franchise.
But most tellingly...it just isn't funny.
All the humour, all the wit all the cleverness has been drained away.
We are left with an empty husk of a Shrek film, bled white of any possible entertainment.
To sum up, if you want to know how bad this film is...let me quote what a lot of reviews of the next film - Shrek Ever After.
"At least its not Shrek the Third"
Whatever shit they may make or remake with the Shrek franchise in the future, this will always stay the bench mark for bad.