Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 21:28:26 GMT
I liked the harry potter movies. There, I said it!
So I have nothing against childrens books being adapted to movies, or movies aimed at children.
Also, quite clearly I am into fantasy stuff, and other worlds etc (since that is basically what Harkovast is all about).
The Golden Compass is set in a world where peoples souls appear outside their bodies as animals called demons. Now that is a pretty awesome concept, right? Pretty freakin strange. If you demon dies, you die and vice versa. The world has talking polar bears (not humanoid ones, just literal talking polar bears) and an evil religious group who want to control the world.
All sounds cool so far.
So there is no reason on paper as to why I would hate this film...
EXCEPT IT WAS SHIT!
What the hell was going on?
They spent the entire movie harking on and on about bloody dust.
WHAT THE HELL IS DUST?
What does it do?
Why is it important? Other then the fact that every character mentions it every 5 minutes.
Some religious guys in the film say "Dust is heresy!"
Heresy against what? What religion are they meant to be? Which part of their religion does dust contradict? Does their bible just happen to have a passage about floaty CGI golden particles and how they dont exist?
I've watched the whole movie, and I STILL dont know what dust is.
Here is a list of what I know about Dust-
It comes from another dimension.
It attaches to people's deamons.
Religious people dont like it.
It is yellow.
Thats it! Literally, that is all I know! Why does it matter? Why should I care about it? Why do some people want to deny it? No one ever says!
You could stick any technobabble word in place of dust and it makes as much sense.
"I believe chronotised quantums are attaching to peoples demons!"
"But chronotised quantums are heresy!"
It is no more and no less bull shit that way then it is in the movie.
I wait the whole bastard film for the big reveal of what this fucking interdimensional crap was, and what do we finally learn about it? Sweet FA!
Daniel Craig is in the movie....a bit.
He is in it at the start.
Then we get a cut scene later on of him being captured by evil eskimo native types.(who we can tell are bad because they aren't white. No really, We never see a good one of them and the heroes are all mighty whiteys who dole out a bit of uncomfortible colonial justice on the forces of dark(skinned)ness)
Now you might think I went off on a tangent there without finishing telling you what the hell happened with Daniel Craig, but you would be wrong. I had finished.
That is it.
Despite spending the entire movie looking for him, they never find him. His fate is never resolved.
Keep in mind this guy had top billing on the movie posters. Talk about a bait and switch!
"Oh yeah! Daniel Craig is in our movie....momentarily..."
As I mentioned before, the bad guys religion, or indeed their organisation, is never explained beyond having a silly name (Noblas...I cant believe they made the nob gag so easy even I cant bring myself to do it!)
Q-What do the bad guys want in this film?
A-To seperate children from their demons.
Q-Why do they want this? Especially since in this world a demon is your soul and you die without it? And all the bad guys quite openly have demons of their own and dont indicate that this is a bad thing at all?
A-No fucking clue!
I literally have no idea why the bad guys want to do this!
It is the equivilant of a plan to chop off all the childrens legs so no children have legs.....no actually it is more stupid then that. YOu can live without legs! Considering the bad guys already run the world, I dont see why they feel the need to try and kill off random children with ass backwards stupid experiments!
I guess the plot just told them too!
this movie is meant to be an attack on organised religion. Now whether you agree with organised religion or not is beside the point here.
If you are going to attack something, attack it for what it actually is.
Like if I was to complain about george bush and I start saying he made orphans eat puppies, my attack has no wieght and no value because obviously that is just bullshit.
This show appears to suggest that Religions randomly accuse any new learning of being heresy and try to do random and moronic experiments on kids that mostly just make them die.
THAT IS NOT WHAT RELIGION DOES!!! Thats not what anyone does! Thats just fucking stupid!
If a guy wants to have a go at religion in his movie, fair enough, but at least go to the trouble of making attacks that make sense! If the message was that the religion controls people, fiar enough. If the message was that religions stick to doctrines over evidence, fair enough. I dont necessarily agree or disagree with those arguements, but they at least make some logical sense.
This movie feels like it was written by a person who feels religion is bad, but doesn't entirely know what religion is.
The main villian, Mrs Coulter, is quite cool in and of herself. But she also fails to make any sense. The bad guys are an evil oppressive religious organisation, yet their top agent dresses in a gold dress like a hollywood star from the 1940's! Oh yeah, hollywood glamour, thats what I think of when I think of oppressive religions, the Taliban were well known for their starlets!
And what happens to this evil villianess? How does she meet her end?
She doesn't.
She just wanders off.
No, I am not exaggerating.
She just walks off at the end.
BULLSHIT!!!!
THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
Even The mighty morphin' Power Fucking Rangers manage to remember to blow up the bad guy at the end of the fucking episode!
So you might be wondering by now-
"If Daniel Craig doesn't get resolved, and the villain is not resolved...how does the movie end?"
Answer? Abruptly.
The characters are talking and then the credits roll.
No resolution.
No climactic end bit.
Just credits as the heroes go off into the distance.
Nothing is resolved, nothing is explained.
Everything is bullshit!
The only resolution we get is with a subplot about the talking polar bear wanting to regain his kingdom.
Well, I say a subplot, becuase it is more like the movie just goes on hold while a new and entirely unrelated story about polars bears plays out.
Is the polar bear king reclaiming his throne in anyway important to ANYTHING else in the movie?
Nope.
Does a bear army show up for the final battle?
Does it fuck.
The whole thing is a total waste of time.
But at least the bad guy gets killed and it resolves which makes it a hundred times better then the main plot!
This movie is dreadful.
It sets out an interesting premise and a seemingly exciting world but then seems incapable of telling a story that is either interesting or exciting in anyway.
Fuck this movie, fuck polar bears, fuck Daniel Craig and fuck dust!
I hope who ever directed this train wreck takes the magical golden compass and shoves it straight up their ass. maybe then its magical powers can show them the way back to film school to learn how to make a fucking movie!!!
So to sum up, this movie left me a little dissapointed.
So I have nothing against childrens books being adapted to movies, or movies aimed at children.
Also, quite clearly I am into fantasy stuff, and other worlds etc (since that is basically what Harkovast is all about).
The Golden Compass is set in a world where peoples souls appear outside their bodies as animals called demons. Now that is a pretty awesome concept, right? Pretty freakin strange. If you demon dies, you die and vice versa. The world has talking polar bears (not humanoid ones, just literal talking polar bears) and an evil religious group who want to control the world.
All sounds cool so far.
So there is no reason on paper as to why I would hate this film...
EXCEPT IT WAS SHIT!
What the hell was going on?
They spent the entire movie harking on and on about bloody dust.
WHAT THE HELL IS DUST?
What does it do?
Why is it important? Other then the fact that every character mentions it every 5 minutes.
Some religious guys in the film say "Dust is heresy!"
Heresy against what? What religion are they meant to be? Which part of their religion does dust contradict? Does their bible just happen to have a passage about floaty CGI golden particles and how they dont exist?
I've watched the whole movie, and I STILL dont know what dust is.
Here is a list of what I know about Dust-
It comes from another dimension.
It attaches to people's deamons.
Religious people dont like it.
It is yellow.
Thats it! Literally, that is all I know! Why does it matter? Why should I care about it? Why do some people want to deny it? No one ever says!
You could stick any technobabble word in place of dust and it makes as much sense.
"I believe chronotised quantums are attaching to peoples demons!"
"But chronotised quantums are heresy!"
It is no more and no less bull shit that way then it is in the movie.
I wait the whole bastard film for the big reveal of what this fucking interdimensional crap was, and what do we finally learn about it? Sweet FA!
Daniel Craig is in the movie....a bit.
He is in it at the start.
Then we get a cut scene later on of him being captured by evil eskimo native types.(who we can tell are bad because they aren't white. No really, We never see a good one of them and the heroes are all mighty whiteys who dole out a bit of uncomfortible colonial justice on the forces of dark(skinned)ness)
Now you might think I went off on a tangent there without finishing telling you what the hell happened with Daniel Craig, but you would be wrong. I had finished.
That is it.
Despite spending the entire movie looking for him, they never find him. His fate is never resolved.
Keep in mind this guy had top billing on the movie posters. Talk about a bait and switch!
"Oh yeah! Daniel Craig is in our movie....momentarily..."
As I mentioned before, the bad guys religion, or indeed their organisation, is never explained beyond having a silly name (Noblas...I cant believe they made the nob gag so easy even I cant bring myself to do it!)
Q-What do the bad guys want in this film?
A-To seperate children from their demons.
Q-Why do they want this? Especially since in this world a demon is your soul and you die without it? And all the bad guys quite openly have demons of their own and dont indicate that this is a bad thing at all?
A-No fucking clue!
I literally have no idea why the bad guys want to do this!
It is the equivilant of a plan to chop off all the childrens legs so no children have legs.....no actually it is more stupid then that. YOu can live without legs! Considering the bad guys already run the world, I dont see why they feel the need to try and kill off random children with ass backwards stupid experiments!
I guess the plot just told them too!
this movie is meant to be an attack on organised religion. Now whether you agree with organised religion or not is beside the point here.
If you are going to attack something, attack it for what it actually is.
Like if I was to complain about george bush and I start saying he made orphans eat puppies, my attack has no wieght and no value because obviously that is just bullshit.
This show appears to suggest that Religions randomly accuse any new learning of being heresy and try to do random and moronic experiments on kids that mostly just make them die.
THAT IS NOT WHAT RELIGION DOES!!! Thats not what anyone does! Thats just fucking stupid!
If a guy wants to have a go at religion in his movie, fair enough, but at least go to the trouble of making attacks that make sense! If the message was that the religion controls people, fiar enough. If the message was that religions stick to doctrines over evidence, fair enough. I dont necessarily agree or disagree with those arguements, but they at least make some logical sense.
This movie feels like it was written by a person who feels religion is bad, but doesn't entirely know what religion is.
The main villian, Mrs Coulter, is quite cool in and of herself. But she also fails to make any sense. The bad guys are an evil oppressive religious organisation, yet their top agent dresses in a gold dress like a hollywood star from the 1940's! Oh yeah, hollywood glamour, thats what I think of when I think of oppressive religions, the Taliban were well known for their starlets!
And what happens to this evil villianess? How does she meet her end?
She doesn't.
She just wanders off.
No, I am not exaggerating.
She just walks off at the end.
BULLSHIT!!!!
THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
Even The mighty morphin' Power Fucking Rangers manage to remember to blow up the bad guy at the end of the fucking episode!
So you might be wondering by now-
"If Daniel Craig doesn't get resolved, and the villain is not resolved...how does the movie end?"
Answer? Abruptly.
The characters are talking and then the credits roll.
No resolution.
No climactic end bit.
Just credits as the heroes go off into the distance.
Nothing is resolved, nothing is explained.
Everything is bullshit!
The only resolution we get is with a subplot about the talking polar bear wanting to regain his kingdom.
Well, I say a subplot, becuase it is more like the movie just goes on hold while a new and entirely unrelated story about polars bears plays out.
Is the polar bear king reclaiming his throne in anyway important to ANYTHING else in the movie?
Nope.
Does a bear army show up for the final battle?
Does it fuck.
The whole thing is a total waste of time.
But at least the bad guy gets killed and it resolves which makes it a hundred times better then the main plot!
This movie is dreadful.
It sets out an interesting premise and a seemingly exciting world but then seems incapable of telling a story that is either interesting or exciting in anyway.
Fuck this movie, fuck polar bears, fuck Daniel Craig and fuck dust!
I hope who ever directed this train wreck takes the magical golden compass and shoves it straight up their ass. maybe then its magical powers can show them the way back to film school to learn how to make a fucking movie!!!
So to sum up, this movie left me a little dissapointed.