Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 21:39:35 GMT
This review is for my daughter Megan.
Because she fucking hates this shitty movie.
M Night Shymalan has had a rollercoaster ride of a career.
Actually that's not fair....rollercoasters go up sometimes.
It is really more like a steady slide down a slope.
A slope that ends in a septic tank.
And somehow then keeps going down and getting worse.
Everyone loved Sixth Sense.
Unbreakable was great.
Signs had some stupid bits but had a good atmosphere.
The Village had the same plot as Scooby Doo (not even joking.)
M Night clearly did not take the criticism of this shitty film very well.
Lady in the Water featured a movie critic as an evil asshole character who dies and M Night starring as an inspirational writer whose work will change the world (not even joking.)
He then made The Happening...which you need to see. I can't even...I can't even explain it. You just need to see it. You really do.
So M Night had by this point basically become a walking punch line.
How could he humiliate himself even further?
He made The Last Air Bender.
This film actually had a lot of excitement around it, since it was based on the popular cartoon show Avatar the Last Air Bender and it had a pretty cool looking teaser trailer.
But though it seemed cool, when I saw the trailer I had concerns.
Firstly, M Night's name getting top billing.
Second, why was the main character white? The show is set in what seems to be a fantasy version of China, the main character is kind of a little Shaolin monk.
When the movie came out...the race lifts got worse.
Two of the heroes in the cartoon were from an Eskimo-like culture called the water tribe. In the movie they were white, as was their grandmother who got a few lines.
The really worrying part?
EVERYONE else in the water tribe looked like an actual eskimo...only the ones who get to talk are white.
Yeeeeah.
And the bad guys, the Fire Nation, are all Indian.
Dang.
The movie has child actors, which might make you brace yourself for a bad performance....and you would be right.
The acting is frankly surreal.
See what you think.
Though the grown ups don't do any better.
In the cartoon show, the characters fight using super powered Kung-Fu where they can control the elements.
They can swing kicks that cause giant pillars of stone to come out of the ground or make fire come out of their hands when they punch.
Pretty sweet, right?
In the movie it looks...different.
Here is a comparisson to give you the idea.
Basically the magic powers seem to involve jumping around like an idiot waving your arms about pointlessly and then causing a very lame, very slow and extremely crappy looking hunk of CGI at the enemy.
You could literally just throw a rock at someone and it would be both faster and more effective.
This film is literally like someone set out to make a movie to annoy fans of the cartoon show.
They even changed the main characters name from Aang to Ung.
Why would you do that?
Fans of the show are the main people you would expect to go see it...but the movie goes out of its way to make pointless changes just to annoy them.
Even without all these problems...in the UK the film was always going to struggle anyway.
See in the UK, Bender is a derogatory name for a gay person.
For some reason this never seemed ridiculous when I watched the cartoon show, but the movie seems to some how make it hilarious.
Lines like "There are powerful benders in the north" sort of take you out of the film!
It just added another level of comedy to an already unintentionally funny film.
I will leave you with this final unintentional hilarity.
The show featured a water princes character who looks like this.
Now look at her first appearance in the film....
Her head looks like something.
And I think you know what it looks like.
It looks like a great big gleaming something.
A big blue veined, purple helmeted, one eyed, trouser lurking something.
And M Night should definitely fuck off and suck one of these.
Because she fucking hates this shitty movie.
M Night Shymalan has had a rollercoaster ride of a career.
Actually that's not fair....rollercoasters go up sometimes.
It is really more like a steady slide down a slope.
A slope that ends in a septic tank.
And somehow then keeps going down and getting worse.
Everyone loved Sixth Sense.
Unbreakable was great.
Signs had some stupid bits but had a good atmosphere.
The Village had the same plot as Scooby Doo (not even joking.)
M Night clearly did not take the criticism of this shitty film very well.
Lady in the Water featured a movie critic as an evil asshole character who dies and M Night starring as an inspirational writer whose work will change the world (not even joking.)
He then made The Happening...which you need to see. I can't even...I can't even explain it. You just need to see it. You really do.
So M Night had by this point basically become a walking punch line.
How could he humiliate himself even further?
He made The Last Air Bender.
This film actually had a lot of excitement around it, since it was based on the popular cartoon show Avatar the Last Air Bender and it had a pretty cool looking teaser trailer.
But though it seemed cool, when I saw the trailer I had concerns.
Firstly, M Night's name getting top billing.
Second, why was the main character white? The show is set in what seems to be a fantasy version of China, the main character is kind of a little Shaolin monk.
When the movie came out...the race lifts got worse.
Two of the heroes in the cartoon were from an Eskimo-like culture called the water tribe. In the movie they were white, as was their grandmother who got a few lines.
The really worrying part?
EVERYONE else in the water tribe looked like an actual eskimo...only the ones who get to talk are white.
Yeeeeah.
And the bad guys, the Fire Nation, are all Indian.
Dang.
The movie has child actors, which might make you brace yourself for a bad performance....and you would be right.
The acting is frankly surreal.
See what you think.
Though the grown ups don't do any better.
In the cartoon show, the characters fight using super powered Kung-Fu where they can control the elements.
They can swing kicks that cause giant pillars of stone to come out of the ground or make fire come out of their hands when they punch.
Pretty sweet, right?
In the movie it looks...different.
Here is a comparisson to give you the idea.
Basically the magic powers seem to involve jumping around like an idiot waving your arms about pointlessly and then causing a very lame, very slow and extremely crappy looking hunk of CGI at the enemy.
You could literally just throw a rock at someone and it would be both faster and more effective.
This film is literally like someone set out to make a movie to annoy fans of the cartoon show.
They even changed the main characters name from Aang to Ung.
Why would you do that?
Fans of the show are the main people you would expect to go see it...but the movie goes out of its way to make pointless changes just to annoy them.
Even without all these problems...in the UK the film was always going to struggle anyway.
See in the UK, Bender is a derogatory name for a gay person.
For some reason this never seemed ridiculous when I watched the cartoon show, but the movie seems to some how make it hilarious.
Lines like "There are powerful benders in the north" sort of take you out of the film!
It just added another level of comedy to an already unintentionally funny film.
I will leave you with this final unintentional hilarity.
The show featured a water princes character who looks like this.
Now look at her first appearance in the film....
Her head looks like something.
And I think you know what it looks like.
It looks like a great big gleaming something.
A big blue veined, purple helmeted, one eyed, trouser lurking something.
And M Night should definitely fuck off and suck one of these.