Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 21:42:56 GMT
The first Fantastic Four film....was total shit.
I mean seriously, it was just dreadful.
It even looked dreadful in the trailors!
Watching that film took every single characters and shit on them. I never thought the fantastic four were that great...but who ever made this film seemed to personally hate the whole franchise!
The guy playing the Thing looked more rubbery than the fakest Power Rangers bad guy.
The human torch was an intolerable ass hole, who spent the idea movie being a jerk and never receiving any comeuppance.
In one of the few bits that worked in the film, the Things fiance dumb him because he had been turned into a monster, leaving his engagement ring on the ground. The Thing was then unable to even pick up the ring with his massive stone hands.
So after the only bit of the film that had any emotional impact at all, Human Torch
IMMIEDIATELY starts insulting Thing for Thing's monstrous appearance. I mean right away. Thing fails to pick up the ring, and then Torch starts insulting him. I wanted The Thing to put The Torch through a wall!
The Invisible Woman is played by Jessica Alba, a woman with the super power to never EVER do any acting successfully. If you are wondering why they would cast a woman who cant act in the lead role, then let me give you a scene to consider.
Invisible Woman has to take her clothes off so people wont be able to see the clothes when she is invisible and she accidentally reappears naked in front of a crowd of people.
Understand why she is in the movie now?
Reed Richards, also known as Mr Fantastic is boring...so fucking boring. Was he this boring in the comics? I don't know how people could stay awake reading them if he was.
I cant really tell you anything about him. Hes a scientists, he does science...hes smart I guess?
He has the power to stretch his body and change shape, which he does via being replaced with very obvious CGI.
The worst treatment is reserved for Doctor Doom.
One of Marvels best villains is basically completely emasculated.
His origins, the sources of his powers, and what his powers actually are all get changed wildly from the comics. It is to the point that if you changed his name and appearance you could have made him a completely original villain and no one would have been any the wiser.
He has a puny, weedy sounding voice, no clear plan or motivation and his ultimate scheme is to kill the Fantastic Four...just because. There is no indication of what he will gain from this or what he plans to do afterwards, he is just the doing bad stuff cause he is the bad guy.
The plot also features a machine that can restore the Fantastic Four to normal.
Thing uses this to become human again, but then realises that this means he cant help the others to battle Dr Doom so gets his powers back and becomes a hero again.
What is baffling about this sequence is...why doesn't thing just revert himself to a human after Doom is beaten? The guy can go back and forth apparently, so why is there any tension about his decision? Just stay human,
make it with chicks etc then turn to a rock monster when evil threatens the city.
This is a plot whole so fucking obvious that I would question if a scene was cut out explaining why not...but the film is so dumb I honestly think the film makers just never thought of that.
Okay...now I know what you might be thinking after getting this far in my review...
"Hark is awesome, and his reviews are insightful and informative."
Why yes, you are right, thanks for noticing...
What? That wasn't what you were thinking?
Oh, you were probably wondering when I am going to start talking about Fantastic Four 2, rise of the silver surfer, like the title to the review says, instead of just banging on about the first one.
Well, dear reader, I had to do a little ground work for this one, you needed to be in
the right frame of mind.
You need to understand my pain, because you see...
The second film is worse.
Worse by a LOT!
Even the title is a mess...am I supposed to say Fantastic Four Two? Thats what I keep wanting
to say to clarrify what I'm on about but then it sounds like Fantastic Eight or Fantastic Four Squared.
But the subheading isn't any better!
"Rise of the Silver Surfer."
Seriously?
The Silver Surfer has, without exception, the stupidest name of any mainstream superhero character.
Worse than the Ten Eyed Terror!
Worse than the Rainbow Raider!
Worse than Paste Pot Pete!
(Yes, those are all real ones. Look em up.)
Cowabunga, evil doers! It's time to hang ten for justice!
Sadly, the Surfer does not speak like...well...a surfer. (Am I the only one who thinks that is a part Keanu Reeves was born to play?)
He sounds like a very, very serious Lawrence Fishburn, grumbling out boring dialogue while seemingly struggling to stay awake (insert your own joke about the audience doing the same.)
His gimic is that he works for an evil Space Cloud Thingy (like the one Green Lantern fought in another shit super hero film) and his back story is so fucking moronic that I struggle to get my head around it.
The cloud thing agreed to spare The Surfer's (christ, I cant believe I have to call him that) home planet, in exchange for him acting as the things "Herald."
Basically he finds planets for it to eat.
The cloud gave him loads of super powers, making him more powerful than the entire Fantastic Four Team on his own.
I dont know why going and finding planets with life on takes such ridiculous powers, or why the space cloud cant use its powers itself, rather than giving them to one of its enemies that it can than blackmail into helping it.
I guess space clouds are just lazy.
So basically the Surfer is a total ass hole who is responsible for the extermination of life on countless worlds.
But over the course of the movie he decides he likes earth. He meets a girl that reminds him of his wife or some shit and so decides to go and kill the Space Cloud.
He then does this.
It seems like he might have died but then is revealed to have survived.
So basically he could have taken care of the space cloud anytime he wanted but was too much of a wuss and just letit eat a load of planets first.
Yes, this does mean the cloud turned one of its enemies into the only being that could kill it...because it was lazy.
I remember in the Spawn movie when Satan pulled this same shit, making Spawn more powerful than his entire army and having no way to take the power back when Spawn told him to fuck off.
But stupid as that was, this is worse!
Silver Surfer CLEARLY hates the cloud, it threatened to eat his planet and it is black mailing him into doing genocide on a cosmic scale. And THIS is the guy it wants to give the power to destroy space clouds?
So basically the entire plot boils down to waiting for Silver Slacker to grow a pair and just kill the damn thing.
Yes, this does mean the Fantastic Four don't save the day in their own movie.
They are kept busy with an annoying subplot about them switching powers (no, really.)
This leads to Invisible Woman getting the human torches powers and burning off all her clothes by accident in public...
yes they pull that stupid shit AGAIN!
Doctor Doom comes back, but like the Four is struggle for much to do.
At one point he steals the Surfer's Surf board.
If you don't know what Doctor Doom looks like, go look up a picture of him now.
I'll wait.
Now imagine that character stood on a surf board.
Now imagine its a flying surf board on a poorly super imposed backdrop.
Now imagine he is being chased by a flying care that can separate into 4 separate flying cars that looks as much like a He-Man toy as it sounds.
Now (and this is the hard part) imagine that someone put this scene in a movie and thought it was a good idea...
Yeah, that last one is hard to imagine, I know.
It is a sad statement on the human race that the first movie made enough money to warrant a sequal.
These films have no cleverness, no class, no excitement, no story to speak of and no artistic merit of any kind.
The truly baffling thing is that the sequel could have been worse...
In the comics the space cloud is a giant purple man called Galactus.
No really.
Dude eats planets.
I will leave you with Jack Chick Parody that should help clarify the situation...
Amen, Richards, Amen!
I mean seriously, it was just dreadful.
It even looked dreadful in the trailors!
Watching that film took every single characters and shit on them. I never thought the fantastic four were that great...but who ever made this film seemed to personally hate the whole franchise!
The guy playing the Thing looked more rubbery than the fakest Power Rangers bad guy.
The human torch was an intolerable ass hole, who spent the idea movie being a jerk and never receiving any comeuppance.
In one of the few bits that worked in the film, the Things fiance dumb him because he had been turned into a monster, leaving his engagement ring on the ground. The Thing was then unable to even pick up the ring with his massive stone hands.
So after the only bit of the film that had any emotional impact at all, Human Torch
IMMIEDIATELY starts insulting Thing for Thing's monstrous appearance. I mean right away. Thing fails to pick up the ring, and then Torch starts insulting him. I wanted The Thing to put The Torch through a wall!
The Invisible Woman is played by Jessica Alba, a woman with the super power to never EVER do any acting successfully. If you are wondering why they would cast a woman who cant act in the lead role, then let me give you a scene to consider.
Invisible Woman has to take her clothes off so people wont be able to see the clothes when she is invisible and she accidentally reappears naked in front of a crowd of people.
Understand why she is in the movie now?
Reed Richards, also known as Mr Fantastic is boring...so fucking boring. Was he this boring in the comics? I don't know how people could stay awake reading them if he was.
I cant really tell you anything about him. Hes a scientists, he does science...hes smart I guess?
He has the power to stretch his body and change shape, which he does via being replaced with very obvious CGI.
The worst treatment is reserved for Doctor Doom.
One of Marvels best villains is basically completely emasculated.
His origins, the sources of his powers, and what his powers actually are all get changed wildly from the comics. It is to the point that if you changed his name and appearance you could have made him a completely original villain and no one would have been any the wiser.
He has a puny, weedy sounding voice, no clear plan or motivation and his ultimate scheme is to kill the Fantastic Four...just because. There is no indication of what he will gain from this or what he plans to do afterwards, he is just the doing bad stuff cause he is the bad guy.
The plot also features a machine that can restore the Fantastic Four to normal.
Thing uses this to become human again, but then realises that this means he cant help the others to battle Dr Doom so gets his powers back and becomes a hero again.
What is baffling about this sequence is...why doesn't thing just revert himself to a human after Doom is beaten? The guy can go back and forth apparently, so why is there any tension about his decision? Just stay human,
make it with chicks etc then turn to a rock monster when evil threatens the city.
This is a plot whole so fucking obvious that I would question if a scene was cut out explaining why not...but the film is so dumb I honestly think the film makers just never thought of that.
Okay...now I know what you might be thinking after getting this far in my review...
"Hark is awesome, and his reviews are insightful and informative."
Why yes, you are right, thanks for noticing...
What? That wasn't what you were thinking?
Oh, you were probably wondering when I am going to start talking about Fantastic Four 2, rise of the silver surfer, like the title to the review says, instead of just banging on about the first one.
Well, dear reader, I had to do a little ground work for this one, you needed to be in
the right frame of mind.
You need to understand my pain, because you see...
The second film is worse.
Worse by a LOT!
Even the title is a mess...am I supposed to say Fantastic Four Two? Thats what I keep wanting
to say to clarrify what I'm on about but then it sounds like Fantastic Eight or Fantastic Four Squared.
But the subheading isn't any better!
"Rise of the Silver Surfer."
Seriously?
The Silver Surfer has, without exception, the stupidest name of any mainstream superhero character.
Worse than the Ten Eyed Terror!
Worse than the Rainbow Raider!
Worse than Paste Pot Pete!
(Yes, those are all real ones. Look em up.)
Cowabunga, evil doers! It's time to hang ten for justice!
Sadly, the Surfer does not speak like...well...a surfer. (Am I the only one who thinks that is a part Keanu Reeves was born to play?)
He sounds like a very, very serious Lawrence Fishburn, grumbling out boring dialogue while seemingly struggling to stay awake (insert your own joke about the audience doing the same.)
His gimic is that he works for an evil Space Cloud Thingy (like the one Green Lantern fought in another shit super hero film) and his back story is so fucking moronic that I struggle to get my head around it.
The cloud thing agreed to spare The Surfer's (christ, I cant believe I have to call him that) home planet, in exchange for him acting as the things "Herald."
Basically he finds planets for it to eat.
The cloud gave him loads of super powers, making him more powerful than the entire Fantastic Four Team on his own.
I dont know why going and finding planets with life on takes such ridiculous powers, or why the space cloud cant use its powers itself, rather than giving them to one of its enemies that it can than blackmail into helping it.
I guess space clouds are just lazy.
So basically the Surfer is a total ass hole who is responsible for the extermination of life on countless worlds.
But over the course of the movie he decides he likes earth. He meets a girl that reminds him of his wife or some shit and so decides to go and kill the Space Cloud.
He then does this.
It seems like he might have died but then is revealed to have survived.
So basically he could have taken care of the space cloud anytime he wanted but was too much of a wuss and just letit eat a load of planets first.
Yes, this does mean the cloud turned one of its enemies into the only being that could kill it...because it was lazy.
I remember in the Spawn movie when Satan pulled this same shit, making Spawn more powerful than his entire army and having no way to take the power back when Spawn told him to fuck off.
But stupid as that was, this is worse!
Silver Surfer CLEARLY hates the cloud, it threatened to eat his planet and it is black mailing him into doing genocide on a cosmic scale. And THIS is the guy it wants to give the power to destroy space clouds?
So basically the entire plot boils down to waiting for Silver Slacker to grow a pair and just kill the damn thing.
Yes, this does mean the Fantastic Four don't save the day in their own movie.
They are kept busy with an annoying subplot about them switching powers (no, really.)
This leads to Invisible Woman getting the human torches powers and burning off all her clothes by accident in public...
yes they pull that stupid shit AGAIN!
Doctor Doom comes back, but like the Four is struggle for much to do.
At one point he steals the Surfer's Surf board.
If you don't know what Doctor Doom looks like, go look up a picture of him now.
I'll wait.
Now imagine that character stood on a surf board.
Now imagine its a flying surf board on a poorly super imposed backdrop.
Now imagine he is being chased by a flying care that can separate into 4 separate flying cars that looks as much like a He-Man toy as it sounds.
Now (and this is the hard part) imagine that someone put this scene in a movie and thought it was a good idea...
Yeah, that last one is hard to imagine, I know.
It is a sad statement on the human race that the first movie made enough money to warrant a sequal.
These films have no cleverness, no class, no excitement, no story to speak of and no artistic merit of any kind.
The truly baffling thing is that the sequel could have been worse...
In the comics the space cloud is a giant purple man called Galactus.
No really.
Dude eats planets.
I will leave you with Jack Chick Parody that should help clarify the situation...
Amen, Richards, Amen!