Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 21:50:09 GMT
Sequels.
Do I even need to add anything to that word?
Says it all really.
99.9% of the time they suck.
Yet like some kind of battered wife we keep going back to them, thinking they'll change.
We see a good movie and are left wanting more, and every time we get surprised when part two comes along and fucking sucks balls.
Iron Man 2... fucking sucks balls.
Big metal, clanking iron balls.
Basically for this movie they had no plot or ideas before they started filming.
Alright that isn't technically true, they had one idea.
"The Avengers movie is coming out soon...we need to hype that as much as possible!"
Let me give you the basic run down of this movies structure.
Part 1 Iron man fights the baddie, beats the bad guy, and puts him in prison.
Part 2- Ironman gets a bit sick, learns his dad was an even better guy then he thought who really loved him a lot, talks about the Avengers. He stares at Scarlett Johansson's bottom a lot too. This is 80% of the movie.
Part 3- The bad guy returns, attacks with robots and gets killed (and its as sudden and abrupt as I am making it sound.)
This is the first time I have ever seen a movie that stops mid way through to advertise another movie that has not been made yet.
I cant even make fun of that! It's too stupid to laugh at!
It's like stupid squared!
Can this even be called a movie at this point?
One bit I left out from my synopsis was that at one point Tony starts partying a lot and shooting melons people through in the air with his energy cannon.
He also pees in his suit.
Yes...this really happens in the movie. Someone was paid to write this stuff.
Anyway, Tony's black friend (whose name I cant remember but he's played by a new actor this time around so who gives a fuck) nicks an Iron Man suit and shows up to stop Tony from...partying too hard?
So they have a fight in which they smash the house up and fire lasers at each other for a while.
Couple of questions with this scene...
1 What the fuck is going on?
2 Warmachine (what the black friend get called in the new suit) is trying to stop Tony from being dangerous with his disregard for safety while partying in his suit...by starting an all out super hero fight with lasers and punching each other through walls. Is this not massively more dangerous than what Tony was doing before hand?
3- How can Warmachine power his suit? Iron man suits are powered by the arch reactor in Tony's chest. THat was the whole plot in the last movie, the bad guy had to steal the reactor.
Warmachine does not have a reactor, and Tony has no reason to build a suit with a built in reactor.
I guess since warmachine can change what he looks like between movies, we can assume he has other magic powers too.
4- How does Warmachine know how to opperate an Iron Man suit?
He has never used one before and has had no training.
In the first film we saw Tony having problems initially getting used to using the suit, crashing into stuff etc.
How come Warmachine is instantly an expert?
5- Doesn't Tony have ANY security?
Could any of the party goers have gone down stairs and tried on a suit?
What about his computer Jarvis with his charming English accent, wouldn't Jarvis have stopped the suit from activating or disrupted it some how?
And how does this stupid scene end?
Warmachine flies off with the suit to a military base and gives it to the US military.
Earlier in the film Tony said the suit was his and he would not hand it over to the government.
Now a guy has come in and literally stolen a suit and given it to the government....but Tony is apparently okay with that now.
So much for wanting to control where his weapons end up like he did in the last film.
Now you can walk in, take a suit and give it to anyone you want.
Better hope no crazy third world dictators decide to send someone over to take Tony's stuff, at this point I don't think he even locks his doors!
The main bad guy of this film is pretty much written out of hte film for most of it (gotta make room for shilling the Avengers!) but when he is on screen he is actually pretty cool.
He gives a cool speech that was in the trailer about how Tony Stark is from a family of butchers.
The impression you get is that this guy has some connection to Tony's family and knows bad secrets about Tony's dad.
Considering Stark snr was an arms designers, builder and trader, you can imagine there might be some skeletons in the cupboard there!
Turns out the bad guys dad worked with Tony's Dad, but the bad guys dad was bad and was selfish and so got sent packing back to Russia. His crime? He wanted to profit from the Technology...the movie tells us this is bad now. I don't know how they think Tony got so rich without profiting from his technology...but anyway the bad guy dad was bad and evil and deserved it.
Tony learns that his dad, (who he always admired and modeled him self on but who was distant and too busy for him) really did love him and basically seems to be pretty much like Walt Disney.
And FUCK ME THIS IS ALL BORING!
So we learn the bad guy is a shit whose dad was a shit and Tony Stark's dad is the reincarnation of uncle Walt...could that story be any less thrilling?
Weirdly, Stark's dad hid the formula for a secret element in the lay out of a park he was designing so Tony would find it one day. Why you ask? Fucked if I know!
At this point the movie is just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks.
Here is a better plot for you right now (and I didn't get paid to write this!)
Tony is concerned by the bad guys accusations and investigates his dad, who was a big hero in WW2, helping make weapons and captain america against the nazis.
But after the war his dad became a red baiting, mccarthy style commie hater who saw communist conspiracy all around him.
He accused his Russian partner, ruined the guys reputation and had him deported.
Over time Tony's dad became a shut in recluse, living in fear of "the reds".
His recorded messages to Tony become increasingly unhinged and bizarre.
The secret element is hidden in the layout of the park because his dad is nuts and wants to hide the formula so "Those damn ruskies don't steal it! You're the only one I can trust now Tony!"
Tony comes to realise that the father figure he looked up to was not this perfect, heroic guy that Tony had built him to be. Though he did a lot of good, after the war he did some pretty shitty things too and became really pitiful by the end.
Tony grows because he stops seeing his family in a simplistic, childish way...in the same way he changed his view on his business model in the first film.
Now the bad guy has a legitimate greivance, his dad was screwed over based on fear and paranoia by Tony's dad.
Tony tries to make peace with the bad guy and use his influence and wealth to put right what was done (giving the bad guy a job where he can put his obvious genius to good use the way his father would have wanted).
But the bad guy is too far gone and is so consumed with rage and revenge that he wont listen to reason and Tony has to take him down.
Tony is weakened by self doubt from all he has learned but in the end gains new confidence because just as his dad was a hero who was still capable of having deep flaws, Tony is a very flawed man who is still capable of being a great hero.
BAM!
There ya go!
Now you can go and find the people who made Iron Man 2 and tell them to fuck off for not making the version I just described.
Do I even need to add anything to that word?
Says it all really.
99.9% of the time they suck.
Yet like some kind of battered wife we keep going back to them, thinking they'll change.
We see a good movie and are left wanting more, and every time we get surprised when part two comes along and fucking sucks balls.
Iron Man 2... fucking sucks balls.
Big metal, clanking iron balls.
Basically for this movie they had no plot or ideas before they started filming.
Alright that isn't technically true, they had one idea.
"The Avengers movie is coming out soon...we need to hype that as much as possible!"
Let me give you the basic run down of this movies structure.
Part 1 Iron man fights the baddie, beats the bad guy, and puts him in prison.
Part 2- Ironman gets a bit sick, learns his dad was an even better guy then he thought who really loved him a lot, talks about the Avengers. He stares at Scarlett Johansson's bottom a lot too. This is 80% of the movie.
Part 3- The bad guy returns, attacks with robots and gets killed (and its as sudden and abrupt as I am making it sound.)
This is the first time I have ever seen a movie that stops mid way through to advertise another movie that has not been made yet.
I cant even make fun of that! It's too stupid to laugh at!
It's like stupid squared!
Can this even be called a movie at this point?
One bit I left out from my synopsis was that at one point Tony starts partying a lot and shooting melons people through in the air with his energy cannon.
He also pees in his suit.
Yes...this really happens in the movie. Someone was paid to write this stuff.
Anyway, Tony's black friend (whose name I cant remember but he's played by a new actor this time around so who gives a fuck) nicks an Iron Man suit and shows up to stop Tony from...partying too hard?
So they have a fight in which they smash the house up and fire lasers at each other for a while.
Couple of questions with this scene...
1 What the fuck is going on?
2 Warmachine (what the black friend get called in the new suit) is trying to stop Tony from being dangerous with his disregard for safety while partying in his suit...by starting an all out super hero fight with lasers and punching each other through walls. Is this not massively more dangerous than what Tony was doing before hand?
3- How can Warmachine power his suit? Iron man suits are powered by the arch reactor in Tony's chest. THat was the whole plot in the last movie, the bad guy had to steal the reactor.
Warmachine does not have a reactor, and Tony has no reason to build a suit with a built in reactor.
I guess since warmachine can change what he looks like between movies, we can assume he has other magic powers too.
4- How does Warmachine know how to opperate an Iron Man suit?
He has never used one before and has had no training.
In the first film we saw Tony having problems initially getting used to using the suit, crashing into stuff etc.
How come Warmachine is instantly an expert?
5- Doesn't Tony have ANY security?
Could any of the party goers have gone down stairs and tried on a suit?
What about his computer Jarvis with his charming English accent, wouldn't Jarvis have stopped the suit from activating or disrupted it some how?
And how does this stupid scene end?
Warmachine flies off with the suit to a military base and gives it to the US military.
Earlier in the film Tony said the suit was his and he would not hand it over to the government.
Now a guy has come in and literally stolen a suit and given it to the government....but Tony is apparently okay with that now.
So much for wanting to control where his weapons end up like he did in the last film.
Now you can walk in, take a suit and give it to anyone you want.
Better hope no crazy third world dictators decide to send someone over to take Tony's stuff, at this point I don't think he even locks his doors!
The main bad guy of this film is pretty much written out of hte film for most of it (gotta make room for shilling the Avengers!) but when he is on screen he is actually pretty cool.
He gives a cool speech that was in the trailer about how Tony Stark is from a family of butchers.
The impression you get is that this guy has some connection to Tony's family and knows bad secrets about Tony's dad.
Considering Stark snr was an arms designers, builder and trader, you can imagine there might be some skeletons in the cupboard there!
Turns out the bad guys dad worked with Tony's Dad, but the bad guys dad was bad and was selfish and so got sent packing back to Russia. His crime? He wanted to profit from the Technology...the movie tells us this is bad now. I don't know how they think Tony got so rich without profiting from his technology...but anyway the bad guy dad was bad and evil and deserved it.
Tony learns that his dad, (who he always admired and modeled him self on but who was distant and too busy for him) really did love him and basically seems to be pretty much like Walt Disney.
And FUCK ME THIS IS ALL BORING!
So we learn the bad guy is a shit whose dad was a shit and Tony Stark's dad is the reincarnation of uncle Walt...could that story be any less thrilling?
Weirdly, Stark's dad hid the formula for a secret element in the lay out of a park he was designing so Tony would find it one day. Why you ask? Fucked if I know!
At this point the movie is just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks.
Here is a better plot for you right now (and I didn't get paid to write this!)
Tony is concerned by the bad guys accusations and investigates his dad, who was a big hero in WW2, helping make weapons and captain america against the nazis.
But after the war his dad became a red baiting, mccarthy style commie hater who saw communist conspiracy all around him.
He accused his Russian partner, ruined the guys reputation and had him deported.
Over time Tony's dad became a shut in recluse, living in fear of "the reds".
His recorded messages to Tony become increasingly unhinged and bizarre.
The secret element is hidden in the layout of the park because his dad is nuts and wants to hide the formula so "Those damn ruskies don't steal it! You're the only one I can trust now Tony!"
Tony comes to realise that the father figure he looked up to was not this perfect, heroic guy that Tony had built him to be. Though he did a lot of good, after the war he did some pretty shitty things too and became really pitiful by the end.
Tony grows because he stops seeing his family in a simplistic, childish way...in the same way he changed his view on his business model in the first film.
Now the bad guy has a legitimate greivance, his dad was screwed over based on fear and paranoia by Tony's dad.
Tony tries to make peace with the bad guy and use his influence and wealth to put right what was done (giving the bad guy a job where he can put his obvious genius to good use the way his father would have wanted).
But the bad guy is too far gone and is so consumed with rage and revenge that he wont listen to reason and Tony has to take him down.
Tony is weakened by self doubt from all he has learned but in the end gains new confidence because just as his dad was a hero who was still capable of having deep flaws, Tony is a very flawed man who is still capable of being a great hero.
BAM!
There ya go!
Now you can go and find the people who made Iron Man 2 and tell them to fuck off for not making the version I just described.