Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 21:57:19 GMT
Star Trek hasn't always been an enlightened, modern, progressive show.
It's had some really obnoxious sexism, with female characters dressed in ridiculous mini skirts, taking their clothes off for cheap fan service, behaving like nagging ,self obsessed air heads and Star Fleet Command being made up of 95% men.
If you'll forgive me a predictable twist, I'm not referring to the 1960's TV series.
I'm talking about the values on display in Star Trek Into Darkness. But if we get past the sexism, is the movie any good?
Yes, actually it's really good, I put it in the hate section ironically!
Only kidding. It's fucking terrible.
My mate Red_Ned made one of his wise observations after watching the first Star Trek reboot movie. He enjoyed the new Star Trek with all its lens-flare based goodness, but it made him worried about what the sequel would be like.
The reboot was based entirely on reference to the original, with actors basically just recreating the original actors' performances. The sci fi story concepts were all totally derivative on what had come from the franchise before.
A sequel couldn't just continue to coast on what had happened before and would need to come up with some new elements.
Well, director J J Abrahams disagrees with that! He made this movie ENTIRELY of references to previous Star Trek stuff.
Most specifically, J J decided to remake the Wrath of Khan, only more shitty (Something that has already been done with Star Trek Nemesis.)
The movie opens up with Kirk and chums trying to save a primitive civilisation on a planet from being blown up by a big volcano.
Now a few trek fans didn't like this because they felt it broke the "Prime Directive."
For those who have actually ever had sex (a bit more than me), the prime directive is a rule Star Fleet has on the show that they cant interfere in primitive cultures. A reasonable rule if you look at Earth's history of well-meaning missionaries and colonial powers fucking things up for less advanced nations.
Now on this point, I would defend the movie. The people on this planet are literally all going to die, so what ever effect interfering with their culture might have, it has to be better than their entire culture being completely exterminated.
Unfortunately Kirk's plan to help the aliens is as ass-backwards as one could imagine, involving stealing the native's sacred scroll and having a silly chase through the jungle to lead them away from the volcano.
That right there demonstrates several of the problems that plague this movie.
Flaw one is that it is very, very dumb. Everything in it is overt, over the top and obvious. There is no subtlety or attempt at nuance. Every plot point is laid out as clearly and as loudly as it could be. The movie starts with a ridiculous chase for very little reason because the film makers think the audience are morons and will fall asleep if not constantly stimulated with fast moving colours.
Flaw two is that Kirk comes across as an idiot. He is arrogant, selfish, thoughtless, unlikable, whiney and above all stupid. Soooo stupid.
This plan is not unusually stupid for Captain Kirk, its pretty much typical for what he does in this movie.
Back to the opening scene. Spock goes into the volcano in a special suit to set off a freeze bomb that will stop the eruption.
Why the bomb can't be teleported, or deployed by some kind of machine, is never made clear. Based on what happens later in this movie, I don't think it's unreasonable to assume the crew were just too thick to think of these options.
Spock ends up stranded in the volcano and the only way to save him involves revealing the Enterprise to the natives.
Now this is a more interesting dilemma since all that is at stake is one of the crew and here the effect on the natives is undeniable since they will literally see the Enterprise.
This is a classic Trek set up. Spock would say that logically they have to leave him to avoid breaking the prime directive. McCoy would say they have to save Spock because they can't leave a man to die. Then Kirk would come up with a clever plan to take a third way, saving Spock and avoiding letting the natives see them.
But this movie is not a classic Trek set up.
Kirk decides "Meh, who cares about natives, let's save Spock."
So they do that.
They fly the Enterprise over the natives to rescue Spock, who all see the ship and start worshipping the Enterprise as a god.
Yes, this actually happens and nothing comes of it.
It turns out this entire scene was just to set up Kirk getting into trouble and getting demoted to first officer...again.
So Kirk goes to a bar and gets a pep talk from Admiral Pike ....again.
But then Admiral Pike gets killed, and Kirk has to take command of the Enterprise (Pike was captured last time.)
Everything I just said happens (or re-happens I guess?) within the space of about ten minutes.
So why did we need to demote Kirk, then promote him again? Was the running time coming up short? My guess is, yes, since this movie's story really struggles to have enough plot to keep things going.
I thought the new Star Trek sequels were going to mine the original franchise for ideas, but Star Trek's already stealing ideas from the previous film! The reboots are stealing from the fucking reboots!
Flaw one comes into play during the scene where Kirk is getting demoted. Spock explains what happened and how they completely disregarded the Prime Directive and totally changed the culture and religion of a primitive culture. Kirk expressed anger at Spock for revealing this...in front of Admiral Pike. So Kirk just admitted to wanting Spock to lie for him in front of their superior officer.
Breaking the Prime Directive was bad... but this is just literally lying for your own benefit and trying to get others to lie for your benefit.
Why is Kirk not court martialed or thrown in prison?
Again though, the movie has to keep things dumb for us, so we are all absolutely clear on exactly what is happening, even if it makes the scene seem bizarre and nonsensical. The audience are idiots and everything needs to be spelled out as loudly and clearly as possible.
Having something subtle like Kirk shooting Spock an angry glance? No way, the mouth breathing audience won't understand unless you state out loud exactly what every character is thinking.
So Kirk and pals have to go to catch the man behind (spoilers) killing Pike, Khan (played by Benedict Cumberbatch.)
The plan they are given involves going to assassinate Khan using special torpedoes while he is on the Klingon home world of Kronos.
Why is Khan there? Never explained.
He used some kind of super teleporter that lets you travel across the entire universe instantly that is never explained or mentioned again.
He isn't working with the Klingons, so this is really just a cheap excuse to involve aliens from the original series again.
Spock points out (correctly) that this mission is immoral, illegal and could potentially start a war.
Kirk says....well nothing really.
They just carry on with the mission.
This movie tries to raise something interesting but doesn't want to risk making us think, so does nothing with the issues it raises.
So our team set out to murder this guy Khan without trial. When they get to the Klingon planet they fuck up and start getting chased by Klingon ships.
While this is going on, Uhura starts bitching to Spock about their relationship because when he was about to die in the volcano he didn't worry about her enough. Typical women, am I right fellas? Now excuse me while I beat my own head in with a half brick in a sock.
Realising that they have made a pig's ear of the whole situation and are cornered now, Kirk said a line that I found really mind-blowing.
"Then we'll come out shooting."
Shooting the Klingons?
The Klingons who are on their own planet, that you have no right to be on....a planet you only came to so you could assassinate someone illegally? Those Klingons?
The legitimate law enforcement authority of a sovereign nation? Those particular Klingons?
Wow.
There you have it folks.
The Federation, Star Fleet, Captain Kirk, all summed up right there.
Uhura manages to come up with an alternative plan to use her ability to speak Klingon to negotiate, rather than just murder people.
But Uhura is a woman in this movie, so is totally fucking useless and the Klingon leader decides to knife her.
At this point Kirk and Spock run out and start blasting the Klingons with phasers, and then Khan arrives and starts blasting even MORE Klingons.
Klingons dont seem able to fire their guns very well as Khan just stands still firing at them and despite loads and loads of Klingons rushing in no one can hit him.
Kirks starts to get his arse handed to him by a Klingon in hand to hand but Khan comes in and saves him.
Then Spock tries to point a gun at Khan but Khan shoots the gun out of Spock's hands.
So Khan has saved their lives and deliberately not killed Spock when he had the chance.
Now there is a weird, nonsensical plot point that Khan's old crew are in the special torpedoes that the Enterprise has. The Enterprise crew don't know this, but Khan figures it out and thus surrenders rather than risk his crew.
At this point one of my favourite scenes in the movie comes as Kirk starts punching the now surrendered Khan. Not just once, either. He really start wailing on Khan. Fortunately, Khan is super human so Kirk's blows don't have any effect.
Now you might be wondering "why do I like yet another scene of Kirk being a dick?"
Well it's because Kirk's inability to hurt Khan makes it hilarious.
It reminds me of the scene in a Naked Gun Film where the chief wants to settle things with a crook with his fists and then it cuts away for a few moments till someone says "Okay, okay, he's had enough!" and it cuts back to show the chief has had his ass kicked. Kirk is too much of a pansy to knock over Khan, even when he has an unfair advantage. What a tool.
With Khan captured we get to have him and Kirk talk to each other.
This is a very bad idea!
The reason is that the actor playing Kirk (does anyone know or care what this guy is called? 'Cause I sure as fuck don't!) is not very good. He's a generic Hollywood pretty boy leading man playing an under written, uninteresting character. A better actor might be able to do something with the uninteresting material but the weakness of the performance just drags it down further.
Putting this guy against Cumberbatch is like having a midget fight the heavy weight champion and hope no one notices the height difference.
There is an exchange that was in the trailer that is something like this-
Khan "I'm better"
Kirk "At what?"
Khan "At everything."
I wish they had changed the final line to be "At acting."
Oh, and McCoy brings a tribble back to life with Khan's "super blood" (that is what they call it!) . There is no reason for him to do this, and it's not relevant to anything. Obviously it won't be important later, so best just ignore this.
Though it does imply that tribbles have human blood...who knew?
Eventually evil admiral guy, who sent them on their evil mission that they all agreed to, shows up in a big evil looking ship to kill them all. Just like how they murdered all those Klingons who were just defending their home planet.
There is a lot of fucking around and Khan is let out of prison to help stop the ship because he helped design it, so he can help Kirk board it and disable it.
You see Khan is a genetically enhanced super human who was frozen 300 years ago along with his super human helpers.
Admiral Evil unfroze them and had them make weapons for him...I guess weapons were better 300 years ago?
Khan saves Kirk's life when his guidance system he needs to reach the other ship gets damaged, and then again when the other ship's security tries to stop them and Khan kicks their asses.
Now I know in these types of reviews, it's traditional for me writing it to feign surprise, or play act like I forgot something for comic effect, but as I was writing this I genuinely realised I had forgotten someone.
The enterprise gain a new crew woman, some English chick in a blue mini skirt who is the daughter of Admiral Evil.
She is the one you will remember if you saw the trailer to this show.
If you saw the trailer you know the one I mean.
The one in the bra and panties.
Now you might be wondering, in this story, why would she be in her underwear?
Well, while preparing for a mission, she tells Kirk to turn around. He asks why and she insists he just turn around.
He then looks around and we see she was changing her costume and is in her underwear. She strikes a sexy pose and says "I told you to turn around."
Kirk stares at her glumly, saying nothing, giving the impression his feeble mind can't fully understand what he is looking at, and then turns to face forward again.
And that is the end of that scene.
Did I mention what an enlightened vision of the future Star Trek is?
I completely forgot about this woman because that really is the most interesting thing she does in the movie. I am not joking, this is not humour, I really forgot her until this point!
The reason I remember her now is that Admiral Evil, her father, captured her and held her prisoner.
Strips off and then has to be rescued.
I'm off to a Beetles concert after this, wearing my flared trousers because apparently we are all living in the 1960's.
Once they are on the bridge of the evil ship, the predictable thing happens.
Kirk betrays Khan and shoots him with a phaser set to stun.
You might be thinking I made a typo.
"You mean Khan shoots Kirk, cause he's the bad guy and it's a double cross?"
Nope.
Kirk betrays Khan, a man who saved his life three times AT LEAST so far.
One of the reasons Kirk was mad at Spock for telling the truth about his rule breaking to Star Fleet was that he felt you should not betray someone who saved your life.
So add hypocrisy to this asshole's list of faults.
In the end, Khan ends up on the evil ship and the good guys are on a badly damaged Enterprise.
They agree to send him back his crew in the torpedoes in exchange for not killing them but then Khan betrays them and starts shooting.
Can you blame him at this point?
Mind you, the good guys were lying anyway and detonate the torpedoes in Khan's ship.
They didn't really send over Khan's crew (so were actually breaking the deal they made from the start, making Khan right to break the deal himself), but what's really sad is that I assumed, based on their previous actions this film, they had just blown up Khan's crew. Normally this would be a pretty red herring, but based on the actions of the crew so far, murdering a ton of people really wouldn't have seemed out of character.
So the crew of the Enterprise are all pretty pleased with themselves at this point....but I was wondering why they were forgetting the obvious thing to do next.
Why weren't they telling Khan that his crew were not dead?
Khan was motivated all movie by protecting his crew, and they just made him think his crew was dead.
Not telling Khan seemed very unwise to me...and I was proved right when Khan takes his badly damaged ship and crashes it into San Francisco, where Star Fleet Command is located. The ships skids through the city and levels several hundred sky scrapers full of people.
If they had told Khan they had his crew hostage...he would have probably surrendered.
Instead they gave the guy in charge of the giant space ship nothing to lose and a lust for revenge.
I am just going to come out and say it...are the Enterprise crew meant to be special needs? Or drunk? Or the air supply on the Enterprise has gone wrong and is making them all act this way?
The Enterprise is so badly damaged that it starts to plummet towards a planet.
The ship has giant holes in it, people are getting sucked into space, it's seriously fucked up.
But Kirk goes into the reactor and kicks it a few times till the beam lines up again and that fixes things and everything works fine again.
I guess star ships are kinda like an old TV, sometimes you have to smack them a few times to get them working.
The radiation from the reactor poisons Kirk so we can do an incredibly lame reversed version of the awesome scene from Wrath of Khan.
Spock then scream "KHAAAAN!" which makes no sense since Khan can't hear him and Khan didn't directly do this to Kirk, but as long as we can keep referencing better movies as much as possible, everything will be fine.
But don't worry! We get closure because Spock fights Khan on top of some flying cars in a really fake looking fight where people can stand upright on top of fast moving vehicles without just flying off and dying like you would in real life.
Spock does what he always does and screams like a crazy emotional person and punches Khan into submission.
They then use The Super Bloodtm to bring Kirk back to life.
Wow....I guess the ability to bring back the dead WAS important after all! Man, that's some clever writing right there!
Voyager was stupid, Enterprise was a disaster, hell even the good Trek Series were shit a lot of the time....but at least they were Star Trek.
This isn't Star Trek anymore, its barely even a movie.
The writing is so simplistic and so stupid, and the characters so cartoonish and caricatured, that any meaning is lost in a haze of computer graphics and over the top explosions.
But it isn't just a failure as a Star Trek film, its a failure as a film in general.
J J Abrahams is, however, the perfect director for the new Star Wars films, cause that's a franchise so fucked up by this point that even a film as shit as this wouldn't be able to make it any worse.
It's had some really obnoxious sexism, with female characters dressed in ridiculous mini skirts, taking their clothes off for cheap fan service, behaving like nagging ,self obsessed air heads and Star Fleet Command being made up of 95% men.
If you'll forgive me a predictable twist, I'm not referring to the 1960's TV series.
I'm talking about the values on display in Star Trek Into Darkness. But if we get past the sexism, is the movie any good?
Yes, actually it's really good, I put it in the hate section ironically!
Only kidding. It's fucking terrible.
My mate Red_Ned made one of his wise observations after watching the first Star Trek reboot movie. He enjoyed the new Star Trek with all its lens-flare based goodness, but it made him worried about what the sequel would be like.
The reboot was based entirely on reference to the original, with actors basically just recreating the original actors' performances. The sci fi story concepts were all totally derivative on what had come from the franchise before.
A sequel couldn't just continue to coast on what had happened before and would need to come up with some new elements.
Well, director J J Abrahams disagrees with that! He made this movie ENTIRELY of references to previous Star Trek stuff.
Most specifically, J J decided to remake the Wrath of Khan, only more shitty (Something that has already been done with Star Trek Nemesis.)
The movie opens up with Kirk and chums trying to save a primitive civilisation on a planet from being blown up by a big volcano.
Now a few trek fans didn't like this because they felt it broke the "Prime Directive."
For those who have actually ever had sex (a bit more than me), the prime directive is a rule Star Fleet has on the show that they cant interfere in primitive cultures. A reasonable rule if you look at Earth's history of well-meaning missionaries and colonial powers fucking things up for less advanced nations.
Now on this point, I would defend the movie. The people on this planet are literally all going to die, so what ever effect interfering with their culture might have, it has to be better than their entire culture being completely exterminated.
Unfortunately Kirk's plan to help the aliens is as ass-backwards as one could imagine, involving stealing the native's sacred scroll and having a silly chase through the jungle to lead them away from the volcano.
That right there demonstrates several of the problems that plague this movie.
Flaw one is that it is very, very dumb. Everything in it is overt, over the top and obvious. There is no subtlety or attempt at nuance. Every plot point is laid out as clearly and as loudly as it could be. The movie starts with a ridiculous chase for very little reason because the film makers think the audience are morons and will fall asleep if not constantly stimulated with fast moving colours.
Flaw two is that Kirk comes across as an idiot. He is arrogant, selfish, thoughtless, unlikable, whiney and above all stupid. Soooo stupid.
This plan is not unusually stupid for Captain Kirk, its pretty much typical for what he does in this movie.
Back to the opening scene. Spock goes into the volcano in a special suit to set off a freeze bomb that will stop the eruption.
Why the bomb can't be teleported, or deployed by some kind of machine, is never made clear. Based on what happens later in this movie, I don't think it's unreasonable to assume the crew were just too thick to think of these options.
Spock ends up stranded in the volcano and the only way to save him involves revealing the Enterprise to the natives.
Now this is a more interesting dilemma since all that is at stake is one of the crew and here the effect on the natives is undeniable since they will literally see the Enterprise.
This is a classic Trek set up. Spock would say that logically they have to leave him to avoid breaking the prime directive. McCoy would say they have to save Spock because they can't leave a man to die. Then Kirk would come up with a clever plan to take a third way, saving Spock and avoiding letting the natives see them.
But this movie is not a classic Trek set up.
Kirk decides "Meh, who cares about natives, let's save Spock."
So they do that.
They fly the Enterprise over the natives to rescue Spock, who all see the ship and start worshipping the Enterprise as a god.
Yes, this actually happens and nothing comes of it.
It turns out this entire scene was just to set up Kirk getting into trouble and getting demoted to first officer...again.
So Kirk goes to a bar and gets a pep talk from Admiral Pike ....again.
But then Admiral Pike gets killed, and Kirk has to take command of the Enterprise (Pike was captured last time.)
Everything I just said happens (or re-happens I guess?) within the space of about ten minutes.
So why did we need to demote Kirk, then promote him again? Was the running time coming up short? My guess is, yes, since this movie's story really struggles to have enough plot to keep things going.
I thought the new Star Trek sequels were going to mine the original franchise for ideas, but Star Trek's already stealing ideas from the previous film! The reboots are stealing from the fucking reboots!
Flaw one comes into play during the scene where Kirk is getting demoted. Spock explains what happened and how they completely disregarded the Prime Directive and totally changed the culture and religion of a primitive culture. Kirk expressed anger at Spock for revealing this...in front of Admiral Pike. So Kirk just admitted to wanting Spock to lie for him in front of their superior officer.
Breaking the Prime Directive was bad... but this is just literally lying for your own benefit and trying to get others to lie for your benefit.
Why is Kirk not court martialed or thrown in prison?
Again though, the movie has to keep things dumb for us, so we are all absolutely clear on exactly what is happening, even if it makes the scene seem bizarre and nonsensical. The audience are idiots and everything needs to be spelled out as loudly and clearly as possible.
Having something subtle like Kirk shooting Spock an angry glance? No way, the mouth breathing audience won't understand unless you state out loud exactly what every character is thinking.
So Kirk and pals have to go to catch the man behind (spoilers) killing Pike, Khan (played by Benedict Cumberbatch.)
The plan they are given involves going to assassinate Khan using special torpedoes while he is on the Klingon home world of Kronos.
Why is Khan there? Never explained.
He used some kind of super teleporter that lets you travel across the entire universe instantly that is never explained or mentioned again.
He isn't working with the Klingons, so this is really just a cheap excuse to involve aliens from the original series again.
Spock points out (correctly) that this mission is immoral, illegal and could potentially start a war.
Kirk says....well nothing really.
They just carry on with the mission.
This movie tries to raise something interesting but doesn't want to risk making us think, so does nothing with the issues it raises.
So our team set out to murder this guy Khan without trial. When they get to the Klingon planet they fuck up and start getting chased by Klingon ships.
While this is going on, Uhura starts bitching to Spock about their relationship because when he was about to die in the volcano he didn't worry about her enough. Typical women, am I right fellas? Now excuse me while I beat my own head in with a half brick in a sock.
Realising that they have made a pig's ear of the whole situation and are cornered now, Kirk said a line that I found really mind-blowing.
"Then we'll come out shooting."
Shooting the Klingons?
The Klingons who are on their own planet, that you have no right to be on....a planet you only came to so you could assassinate someone illegally? Those Klingons?
The legitimate law enforcement authority of a sovereign nation? Those particular Klingons?
Wow.
There you have it folks.
The Federation, Star Fleet, Captain Kirk, all summed up right there.
Uhura manages to come up with an alternative plan to use her ability to speak Klingon to negotiate, rather than just murder people.
But Uhura is a woman in this movie, so is totally fucking useless and the Klingon leader decides to knife her.
At this point Kirk and Spock run out and start blasting the Klingons with phasers, and then Khan arrives and starts blasting even MORE Klingons.
Klingons dont seem able to fire their guns very well as Khan just stands still firing at them and despite loads and loads of Klingons rushing in no one can hit him.
Kirks starts to get his arse handed to him by a Klingon in hand to hand but Khan comes in and saves him.
Then Spock tries to point a gun at Khan but Khan shoots the gun out of Spock's hands.
So Khan has saved their lives and deliberately not killed Spock when he had the chance.
Now there is a weird, nonsensical plot point that Khan's old crew are in the special torpedoes that the Enterprise has. The Enterprise crew don't know this, but Khan figures it out and thus surrenders rather than risk his crew.
At this point one of my favourite scenes in the movie comes as Kirk starts punching the now surrendered Khan. Not just once, either. He really start wailing on Khan. Fortunately, Khan is super human so Kirk's blows don't have any effect.
Now you might be wondering "why do I like yet another scene of Kirk being a dick?"
Well it's because Kirk's inability to hurt Khan makes it hilarious.
It reminds me of the scene in a Naked Gun Film where the chief wants to settle things with a crook with his fists and then it cuts away for a few moments till someone says "Okay, okay, he's had enough!" and it cuts back to show the chief has had his ass kicked. Kirk is too much of a pansy to knock over Khan, even when he has an unfair advantage. What a tool.
With Khan captured we get to have him and Kirk talk to each other.
This is a very bad idea!
The reason is that the actor playing Kirk (does anyone know or care what this guy is called? 'Cause I sure as fuck don't!) is not very good. He's a generic Hollywood pretty boy leading man playing an under written, uninteresting character. A better actor might be able to do something with the uninteresting material but the weakness of the performance just drags it down further.
Putting this guy against Cumberbatch is like having a midget fight the heavy weight champion and hope no one notices the height difference.
There is an exchange that was in the trailer that is something like this-
Khan "I'm better"
Kirk "At what?"
Khan "At everything."
I wish they had changed the final line to be "At acting."
Oh, and McCoy brings a tribble back to life with Khan's "super blood" (that is what they call it!) . There is no reason for him to do this, and it's not relevant to anything. Obviously it won't be important later, so best just ignore this.
Though it does imply that tribbles have human blood...who knew?
Eventually evil admiral guy, who sent them on their evil mission that they all agreed to, shows up in a big evil looking ship to kill them all. Just like how they murdered all those Klingons who were just defending their home planet.
There is a lot of fucking around and Khan is let out of prison to help stop the ship because he helped design it, so he can help Kirk board it and disable it.
You see Khan is a genetically enhanced super human who was frozen 300 years ago along with his super human helpers.
Admiral Evil unfroze them and had them make weapons for him...I guess weapons were better 300 years ago?
Khan saves Kirk's life when his guidance system he needs to reach the other ship gets damaged, and then again when the other ship's security tries to stop them and Khan kicks their asses.
Now I know in these types of reviews, it's traditional for me writing it to feign surprise, or play act like I forgot something for comic effect, but as I was writing this I genuinely realised I had forgotten someone.
The enterprise gain a new crew woman, some English chick in a blue mini skirt who is the daughter of Admiral Evil.
She is the one you will remember if you saw the trailer to this show.
If you saw the trailer you know the one I mean.
The one in the bra and panties.
Now you might be wondering, in this story, why would she be in her underwear?
Well, while preparing for a mission, she tells Kirk to turn around. He asks why and she insists he just turn around.
He then looks around and we see she was changing her costume and is in her underwear. She strikes a sexy pose and says "I told you to turn around."
Kirk stares at her glumly, saying nothing, giving the impression his feeble mind can't fully understand what he is looking at, and then turns to face forward again.
And that is the end of that scene.
Did I mention what an enlightened vision of the future Star Trek is?
I completely forgot about this woman because that really is the most interesting thing she does in the movie. I am not joking, this is not humour, I really forgot her until this point!
The reason I remember her now is that Admiral Evil, her father, captured her and held her prisoner.
Strips off and then has to be rescued.
I'm off to a Beetles concert after this, wearing my flared trousers because apparently we are all living in the 1960's.
Once they are on the bridge of the evil ship, the predictable thing happens.
Kirk betrays Khan and shoots him with a phaser set to stun.
You might be thinking I made a typo.
"You mean Khan shoots Kirk, cause he's the bad guy and it's a double cross?"
Nope.
Kirk betrays Khan, a man who saved his life three times AT LEAST so far.
One of the reasons Kirk was mad at Spock for telling the truth about his rule breaking to Star Fleet was that he felt you should not betray someone who saved your life.
So add hypocrisy to this asshole's list of faults.
In the end, Khan ends up on the evil ship and the good guys are on a badly damaged Enterprise.
They agree to send him back his crew in the torpedoes in exchange for not killing them but then Khan betrays them and starts shooting.
Can you blame him at this point?
Mind you, the good guys were lying anyway and detonate the torpedoes in Khan's ship.
They didn't really send over Khan's crew (so were actually breaking the deal they made from the start, making Khan right to break the deal himself), but what's really sad is that I assumed, based on their previous actions this film, they had just blown up Khan's crew. Normally this would be a pretty red herring, but based on the actions of the crew so far, murdering a ton of people really wouldn't have seemed out of character.
So the crew of the Enterprise are all pretty pleased with themselves at this point....but I was wondering why they were forgetting the obvious thing to do next.
Why weren't they telling Khan that his crew were not dead?
Khan was motivated all movie by protecting his crew, and they just made him think his crew was dead.
Not telling Khan seemed very unwise to me...and I was proved right when Khan takes his badly damaged ship and crashes it into San Francisco, where Star Fleet Command is located. The ships skids through the city and levels several hundred sky scrapers full of people.
If they had told Khan they had his crew hostage...he would have probably surrendered.
Instead they gave the guy in charge of the giant space ship nothing to lose and a lust for revenge.
I am just going to come out and say it...are the Enterprise crew meant to be special needs? Or drunk? Or the air supply on the Enterprise has gone wrong and is making them all act this way?
The Enterprise is so badly damaged that it starts to plummet towards a planet.
The ship has giant holes in it, people are getting sucked into space, it's seriously fucked up.
But Kirk goes into the reactor and kicks it a few times till the beam lines up again and that fixes things and everything works fine again.
I guess star ships are kinda like an old TV, sometimes you have to smack them a few times to get them working.
The radiation from the reactor poisons Kirk so we can do an incredibly lame reversed version of the awesome scene from Wrath of Khan.
Spock then scream "KHAAAAN!" which makes no sense since Khan can't hear him and Khan didn't directly do this to Kirk, but as long as we can keep referencing better movies as much as possible, everything will be fine.
But don't worry! We get closure because Spock fights Khan on top of some flying cars in a really fake looking fight where people can stand upright on top of fast moving vehicles without just flying off and dying like you would in real life.
Spock does what he always does and screams like a crazy emotional person and punches Khan into submission.
They then use The Super Bloodtm to bring Kirk back to life.
Wow....I guess the ability to bring back the dead WAS important after all! Man, that's some clever writing right there!
Voyager was stupid, Enterprise was a disaster, hell even the good Trek Series were shit a lot of the time....but at least they were Star Trek.
This isn't Star Trek anymore, its barely even a movie.
The writing is so simplistic and so stupid, and the characters so cartoonish and caricatured, that any meaning is lost in a haze of computer graphics and over the top explosions.
But it isn't just a failure as a Star Trek film, its a failure as a film in general.
J J Abrahams is, however, the perfect director for the new Star Wars films, cause that's a franchise so fucked up by this point that even a film as shit as this wouldn't be able to make it any worse.