Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 22:02:30 GMT
The fun of writing angry reviews comes, in part, from the sense of the little guy sticking it to "the man".
Big powerful hollywood types being mocked by me on my little forum.
Its a snarky, webcomic writing David vs the big movie making Goliath.
Unfortunately....Delgo fails to conform to this tried and tested comedy formula.
Delgo was made buy a man called Marc Adler, who wanted to make an animation outside of the studio system. He didn't want to make some corporate crap, with dumb down kiddie comedy. Oh hell know!
This was going to be a powerful film, with a powerful message!
He described it as "a very human story told in a non-human world" and "the inspiration for the story really came from all of unrest we have in society today, prejudice, discrimination, hate crimes, violence – all of those terrible things. We wanted to tell a story where our heroes overcame these things personally and facilitated change among entire peoples."
Now if we were living in a lazily written hollywood movie made by soulless corporate douche bags, the movie would succeed against all odds, get the girl and defeat some evil English sounding guy....possibly after an overly CGI set piece.
But we don't live in a really cliche movie and I don't appear to have been defeated.
So the movie bombed.
But not just bombed! If it had just bombed, no one would have ever heard of it.
This movie was (at the time) the worst performing widely released film in history.
It made $915,840 on a budget of $40 million.
It was shown in 2000 cinemas
That makes $457.92 per screen.
I could afford, out of my own pocket, to pay the entire amount of money this movie took in at one screen myself.
And I work in a fucking call center.
But we're not soulless corporate douche bags! We don't just care about counting profits and hording our fat cat salaries!
We care about artistry!
We care about the craft!
As long as the people working on Delgo made a great film, who gives a damn about how much money it took in, right?
Well the movie was shit.
I mean AMAZINGLY shit.
Worse than that, its just boring.
Unbelievably boring.
Little kids will NOT be kept entertained by this.
I tried it on my kids and after about half an hour they had all wandered off to do other things. It is just that dull.
So what is this film about, and why does it have a shitty name like Delgo?
Well, on a magical fantasy world, a flying race known as the Nohrin use up all their natural resources so get permission to live in the land of Jhamora from the green, land dwelling race called Lokni who live there.
But the evil Sedessa believes Lokni are inferior and so starts killing them all.
This causes a war, which enrages the Nohrin King Zahn who makes peace with the Lokni and banishes Sedessa, after cutting off her wings.
Wow, what a load of pointless fantasy cliche crap that was!
And the worst part?
I didn't just tell you the plot to the film, oh no friends.
Everything I just said is explained to the audience via an overly long montage and voice over at the start of the film.
We've haven't even started yet, and already the entire audience is confused, bored and wondering why they should care. (The correct answer being that they shouldn't, obviously.)
The hero of the story is a green lizard dude called Delgo, whose parents were killed by Sedessa's soldiers. He meets the Lokni princess and they end up as star crossed lovers in....
Sorry, sorry, I just lost interesting in my own typing for a minute there.
Gotta be strong! Gotta focus!
At least you now know why the film is called Delgo, it's named after the main character. I find it remarkable that they went with such a title, though. I mean it just sounds terrible. It tells you nothing about the film and it's even hard to pronouce. What were they thinking?
"Land of Adventure"
There you go, that's a terrible name I thought up just now.
It's crap, but at least its better than fucking Delgo!
Could there be a worse title without being deliberately ridiculous? I doubt it.
Anyway, the evil Sedessa has returned and she has got an army of monsters and trolls....I am not sure who the monsters nad trolls are, the movie never really bothers to explain. This is especially bad as it seems to completely undermine the movies ham fisted attempts at an anti racism message.
We have an ugly race who are seemingly excluded, forced to live in the most inhospitable bit of the planet, and this is treated as completely okay and never questioned in anyway.
The monsters are never ever given a name as a race, their grievances (which seem legitimate) are never addressed and they are only ever presented negatively.
So racism is bad....unless you are being racist towards some groups that are just bad.
One of the monsters is a comedy one voiced by Eric Idle. Eric Idle is like the specter of death for any movie he is in these days. You hear he is going to be in it, you know you are dealing with a turkey.
Another bad guy is played by another English portent of failure, Malcolm McDowell.
He is an evil Lokni, or Nohrin...or whatever I dont give a shit about the names anymore. He is a flying one. He is a general, who tricks another general, voiced by Val Kilmer (fuck...this voice cast is making me depressed just reading out the names!) Val Kilmer's guy has a gambling problem, so he ends up betting money he isn't supposed to and loses and...
Sorry I can't keep this up!
This plot is just such utter crap!
It's way too dry and complicated for kids to care about, yet also too predictable and stupid for grown ups to care about.
It feels like its hitting a perfect sweet spot of total nonsense.
Did I mention the green dudes have a power like the force that lets them throw rocks around?
Yeah...that's a thing too.
This movie is perfect in its failure.
Artistically, creatively, financially everything about it was a disaster...
...and by God I love it!
Shine on, you crazy Delgo!
Big powerful hollywood types being mocked by me on my little forum.
Its a snarky, webcomic writing David vs the big movie making Goliath.
Unfortunately....Delgo fails to conform to this tried and tested comedy formula.
Delgo was made buy a man called Marc Adler, who wanted to make an animation outside of the studio system. He didn't want to make some corporate crap, with dumb down kiddie comedy. Oh hell know!
This was going to be a powerful film, with a powerful message!
He described it as "a very human story told in a non-human world" and "the inspiration for the story really came from all of unrest we have in society today, prejudice, discrimination, hate crimes, violence – all of those terrible things. We wanted to tell a story where our heroes overcame these things personally and facilitated change among entire peoples."
Now if we were living in a lazily written hollywood movie made by soulless corporate douche bags, the movie would succeed against all odds, get the girl and defeat some evil English sounding guy....possibly after an overly CGI set piece.
But we don't live in a really cliche movie and I don't appear to have been defeated.
So the movie bombed.
But not just bombed! If it had just bombed, no one would have ever heard of it.
This movie was (at the time) the worst performing widely released film in history.
It made $915,840 on a budget of $40 million.
It was shown in 2000 cinemas
That makes $457.92 per screen.
I could afford, out of my own pocket, to pay the entire amount of money this movie took in at one screen myself.
And I work in a fucking call center.
But we're not soulless corporate douche bags! We don't just care about counting profits and hording our fat cat salaries!
We care about artistry!
We care about the craft!
As long as the people working on Delgo made a great film, who gives a damn about how much money it took in, right?
Well the movie was shit.
I mean AMAZINGLY shit.
Worse than that, its just boring.
Unbelievably boring.
Little kids will NOT be kept entertained by this.
I tried it on my kids and after about half an hour they had all wandered off to do other things. It is just that dull.
So what is this film about, and why does it have a shitty name like Delgo?
Well, on a magical fantasy world, a flying race known as the Nohrin use up all their natural resources so get permission to live in the land of Jhamora from the green, land dwelling race called Lokni who live there.
But the evil Sedessa believes Lokni are inferior and so starts killing them all.
This causes a war, which enrages the Nohrin King Zahn who makes peace with the Lokni and banishes Sedessa, after cutting off her wings.
Wow, what a load of pointless fantasy cliche crap that was!
And the worst part?
I didn't just tell you the plot to the film, oh no friends.
Everything I just said is explained to the audience via an overly long montage and voice over at the start of the film.
We've haven't even started yet, and already the entire audience is confused, bored and wondering why they should care. (The correct answer being that they shouldn't, obviously.)
The hero of the story is a green lizard dude called Delgo, whose parents were killed by Sedessa's soldiers. He meets the Lokni princess and they end up as star crossed lovers in....
Sorry, sorry, I just lost interesting in my own typing for a minute there.
Gotta be strong! Gotta focus!
At least you now know why the film is called Delgo, it's named after the main character. I find it remarkable that they went with such a title, though. I mean it just sounds terrible. It tells you nothing about the film and it's even hard to pronouce. What were they thinking?
"Land of Adventure"
There you go, that's a terrible name I thought up just now.
It's crap, but at least its better than fucking Delgo!
Could there be a worse title without being deliberately ridiculous? I doubt it.
Anyway, the evil Sedessa has returned and she has got an army of monsters and trolls....I am not sure who the monsters nad trolls are, the movie never really bothers to explain. This is especially bad as it seems to completely undermine the movies ham fisted attempts at an anti racism message.
We have an ugly race who are seemingly excluded, forced to live in the most inhospitable bit of the planet, and this is treated as completely okay and never questioned in anyway.
The monsters are never ever given a name as a race, their grievances (which seem legitimate) are never addressed and they are only ever presented negatively.
So racism is bad....unless you are being racist towards some groups that are just bad.
One of the monsters is a comedy one voiced by Eric Idle. Eric Idle is like the specter of death for any movie he is in these days. You hear he is going to be in it, you know you are dealing with a turkey.
Another bad guy is played by another English portent of failure, Malcolm McDowell.
He is an evil Lokni, or Nohrin...or whatever I dont give a shit about the names anymore. He is a flying one. He is a general, who tricks another general, voiced by Val Kilmer (fuck...this voice cast is making me depressed just reading out the names!) Val Kilmer's guy has a gambling problem, so he ends up betting money he isn't supposed to and loses and...
Sorry I can't keep this up!
This plot is just such utter crap!
It's way too dry and complicated for kids to care about, yet also too predictable and stupid for grown ups to care about.
It feels like its hitting a perfect sweet spot of total nonsense.
Did I mention the green dudes have a power like the force that lets them throw rocks around?
Yeah...that's a thing too.
This movie is perfect in its failure.
Artistically, creatively, financially everything about it was a disaster...
...and by God I love it!
Shine on, you crazy Delgo!