Post by Harkovast on Dec 22, 2014 22:05:58 GMT
To paraphrase Cipher-
If Morpheus had told us how shitty these Matrix films got, we would have told him to shove that red pill up his ass!
This is part two of this review so let me recap part one quickly.
Robots are coming to destroy Zion and there were a load of fights, largely for no reason.
And now on to part two.
Our heroes are sent to see a program called the Merovingian to get another program called the Keymaker, that the Oracle said would help things. (No they do not say how or why, and our heroes have as little idea why they are doing this shit as we do. Classic story telling, make it so the audience has no idea what anyone's motivations are!)
The Merovingian's name is a reference to a dynasty of Frankish Royalty and means the film makers are pretentious.
The Merovingian is some kind of rogue program that hides out in the Matrix. I thought the Matrix was a controlled world without real choice or freedom and that was the point of these films, but apparently programs fruit off to hang out and do their own thing sometimes when they cant hack it. Maybe Agent Smith could have just taken a vacation in the first movie with this guy and chilled out a bit? Or maybe this whole concept of trying to shoe horn in a third faction into these films is fucking stupid and just muddies the whole concept. Yeah...that's a possibility.
Mr M (I am sick of typing his stupid, meaningless name already) has lined every floor of his building with high explosives. Why has he done this? I guess so he can blow himself and everyone around him up if he should need to. You know, like you do sometimes. We've all been there. I think its meant to be a defence so people cant start fighting in his building...but it would seem to imply you could get one guy to run in with a gun and start shooting and Mr M would kill both himself and all of his minions. It isn't obvious the building is full of bombs and Mr M doesn't say this to people, Neo uses his super unique Matrix powers to find it out. So...why is the building full of bombs again?
So our heroes talk to Mr M. I say they talk to him, but really it's just him talking at them. The guy is a really over the top sleazy French stereotype, banging on about drinking wine and always cheating on his wife.
The speech he gives is convoluted, pretentious and pretty much a perfect snap shot of all this movies dialogue.
He bangs on about choice and control for a while and says that swearing in French is like wiping your arse on silk.
No, he really says that! That's a quote! Someone got paid to write that line and to this day I STILL don't know what the hell it's supposed to mean. It smears shit around ineffectively because its not absorbent? The French language would make poor toilet paper...seeing as its a language and not made of paper...so I suppose we can all take that away from this scene. Clean your backside with toilet paper or some kind of water jet. Don't try to clean it with language. You can't talk shit off your arse.
The next bit I am not going to make fun of or insult, I am just going to describe it in a flat, completely straight tone, and let you judge for yourselves.
Mr M has a cake served to a woman in the room (its like kind of a restaurant in there...I assume the folk eating don't know the restaurant is lined with bombs.) The cake contains a special program and when the woman eats it she starts to become more and more sexually aroused. Mr M provides commentary on this as the woman gets all flustered. Then we see the green, liney "matrix vision" showing her legs and up her skirt. The camera zooms in-between her legs and there is an explosion in the matrix code vision, clearly symbolising an orgasm. The woman then excuses herself and gets up to leave, either to clean herself up or have a wank, the movie doesn't really specify.
After this prattling on for a while and saying very little with as many words as possible, Mr M tells them he wont give them the Keymaker and they will have to leave.
They then leave.
Oh...they kinda gave in a bit easier than expected, didn't they?
Our heroes now seem kinda boned as they have no real plan or a way to proceed. Fortunately Mr M's wife Persephone shows up to help them. It's kinda lucky she does, because after blankly agreeing to obey the oracle without her explaining anything to them, then sitting obediently while a strange Frenchman who doesn't know how toilet paper works and bakes cakes that make you cum lectured them and then leaving on command...you kinda get the feeling these guys can't do anything without someone pretentious telling them too.
Now at this point EVERY review of the this movie makes a joke about Monica Bellucci having big tits. It's internet law or something. No really, read any in depth look at this film and the reviewer will say something about how they hated the sequel but HOORAY FOR THEM TITTIES! It's the awful fake "I'm saying what we're all thinking, bro!" stuff, where the reviewer throws in some forced sleazy ogling because they are assuming their audience thinks that way. It pretty demeaning all round when you think about it. It seems especially laughable coming from internet dorks doing reviews trying to act like some kind of locker room jocks and doing an over the top and embarrassing attempt to emulate it and make it clear they don't really say things like that normally, but are doing it because they feel its expected of them in this context. Like when Neil Patrick Harris tries to pretend he's straight in How I Met Your Mother (proven by science to be the worst sit com ever made by a human) and ends up seeming like the gayest thing to ever fuck people of the same gender.
Right, so now you know why we have to do a boob joke, lets get on with it and tell one.
Alright...don't rush me...let me think of one....ummm ....I dunno...I didn't think her tits were that amazing anyway...hang on...the matrix re....wait....wait...
After seeing this I was Matrix Re-BONERED!
No....no that was shit. Let me try again...
You could say...damn it I can't be funny under pressure.
Alright, I'll come back to that.
What I do find strange about her focus on her jugs is that this seems to be the main thing people remember from the scenes she is in, suggesting people either forgot or blanked out all the boring stupid nonsense that is happening.
She will help our heroes if Neo will kiss her like he was kissing Trinity.
Sure...why not?
I assume that would mean awkwardly naked, covered in plug sockets while a rave goes on in the cave next door, but apparently not.
So they smooch and she takes them through special doors that can open to anywhere you want using special keys that the Keymaker makes (See? All links up!)
I kinda like this concept, so I will give em a point.
Things that I actually liked count-2
The frustrating thing is that boring and stupid as all this stuff is, it isn't something you can skip cause without knowing about Mr M and all this, the whole next bit won't make any sense...so sadly you can't skip this stuff...though you can ignore or forgot basically everything the characters say during it.
Persephone then introduces two guys to them that are meant to be very old programs that work for Mr M.
There is a pointless (there's that word again) idea floated around in this film that stories of ghosts and aliens are caused by programs going wrong.
She explains that these two can only be killed by silver bullets, implying they are werewolves or something? They don't turn into wolves so I know what this is supposed to mean. She shoots one of them because...wait...hmmm....I guess she has too many silver bullets? She then sends the other to tell Mr M what they are up to because...I'm not sure either.
Our heroes stand passively while she does this, because standing passively would be their response if you set their feet on fire at this point. I can't blame them though, this movie is leaving me stunned and I am just watching it. Imagine what being in it is like?
Our heroes get the key maker, an old Asian dude with loads of keys (see what they did there? With the name? You got it? Okay.)
Then Mr M shows up with some goons to stop our heroes. Persephone reveals she betrayed him because a girl was kissing him in the toilets and he still has lip stick on him. I have to give it props, this next bit is actually kinda funny. He says something about "What is this craziness, woman? There is no lip stick!" and she says "she wasn't kissing your mouth."
So he has lipstick on his dick from someone sucking him off in the toilets and she can see this because she has some kind of power to see dicks I guess. Might be a useful power for a lady to have, I imagine. Check the goods before you buy, so to speak.
As I said, this is pretty funny. It's totally stupid and idiotic, but it is at least kinda funny.
Wait...I just thought...was the woman who sucked him off the one who ate the sex cake? (Sex Cake...that should be the name of my band.) Did he give her the cake so she would be horny so he could get a blow job? Was that what that was for?
I'm honestly not sure if that was meant to be a thing, or if it was what possible point it serves. The woman isn't a character in any sense, so me thinking that doesn't really change the scene. I guess it makes Mr M a bit rapey, because he drugs women with sex programs so they will suck his dick. I don't really see why he would need to do that since he is reasonably good looking and really rich. Is he just into that?
And why does he want his dick sucked anyway? Is that what programs like? He isn't a human, so wanting physical sex seems completely pointless. That would be like me wanting to build a colony and make wax compartments for larvae. It has nothing to do with my reproductive cycle so I wouldn't get anything out of it.
Wait...does that imply ants get off on building ant hills? In a way I hope they do, they seem to get a pretty raw deal out of life in general so I like to think they are enjoying what they do.
And most importantly....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING MOVIE THAT I AM PONDERING THIS SHIT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT???
Morpheus and Trinity leg it with the Keymaker, chased by a couple of Mr M's minions, while Neo decides to hold the rest of them off.
Not sure why he is bothering...since its the ones chasing the Keymaker that matter but I think we have been a bit over due for another completely pointless fight scene.
Mr M's goons fire machine guns at Neo but he stops the bullets with his super powers.
These telekinetic abilities seem to be very specific as they only stop bullets as he can't use them to throw his opponents around or block sword attacks. So what seemed like an example of God-like power in the first film was literally the only trick he could do. If the Agents had carried throwing knives instead of desert eagles, Neo would have been fucked.
The whole fight sequence that follows left me confused.
Who are these goons that he's fighting? Programs I guess? Kung-fu programs I suppose? Can they be killed? We just got told you need silver bullets to kill them, so why doesn't Neo need silver bullets? Or is that just for some of them? Can programs die at all? Agents couldn't in the first film, which makes sense because the matrix isn't real so a computer program should not be affected by what happens in it. That would be like if shooting the bad guys in Bio Shock or Doom sometimes destroyed word files on my computer. Neo can't die I don't think. He came back to life in the first film near the end. Also he is kinda all powerful, isn't he? He beats up agents easily after all and Agents are normally totally unbeatable. These guys are just some random mooks, they aren't as tough as agents I don't think.
So I don't know who these guys are, why they are fighting or if anyone involved can die. Neo seems to win by stabbing and hitting them like they are normal human enemies...so that's that then I suppose.
Pointless Scene You Could Skip- 4
Damn it, I need another break.
I'll snarf down some of Mr M's cakes and get back to you with part 3.
Coming up in part 3-
The Never Ending Car Chase.
Indestructible Old Men
A Strangely Familiar Building
Colonel Sanders
Oh wait! I thought of one!
Check out the size of her pixels!
Cause she is like a computer program...so she has pixels.
And I am saying it like pixels are her boobs.
Look, fuck off! This review took a lot of time to write and you didn't pay for it! Don't judge me!
Seriously...everyone's a fucking critic.
If Morpheus had told us how shitty these Matrix films got, we would have told him to shove that red pill up his ass!
This is part two of this review so let me recap part one quickly.
Robots are coming to destroy Zion and there were a load of fights, largely for no reason.
And now on to part two.
Our heroes are sent to see a program called the Merovingian to get another program called the Keymaker, that the Oracle said would help things. (No they do not say how or why, and our heroes have as little idea why they are doing this shit as we do. Classic story telling, make it so the audience has no idea what anyone's motivations are!)
The Merovingian's name is a reference to a dynasty of Frankish Royalty and means the film makers are pretentious.
The Merovingian is some kind of rogue program that hides out in the Matrix. I thought the Matrix was a controlled world without real choice or freedom and that was the point of these films, but apparently programs fruit off to hang out and do their own thing sometimes when they cant hack it. Maybe Agent Smith could have just taken a vacation in the first movie with this guy and chilled out a bit? Or maybe this whole concept of trying to shoe horn in a third faction into these films is fucking stupid and just muddies the whole concept. Yeah...that's a possibility.
Mr M (I am sick of typing his stupid, meaningless name already) has lined every floor of his building with high explosives. Why has he done this? I guess so he can blow himself and everyone around him up if he should need to. You know, like you do sometimes. We've all been there. I think its meant to be a defence so people cant start fighting in his building...but it would seem to imply you could get one guy to run in with a gun and start shooting and Mr M would kill both himself and all of his minions. It isn't obvious the building is full of bombs and Mr M doesn't say this to people, Neo uses his super unique Matrix powers to find it out. So...why is the building full of bombs again?
So our heroes talk to Mr M. I say they talk to him, but really it's just him talking at them. The guy is a really over the top sleazy French stereotype, banging on about drinking wine and always cheating on his wife.
The speech he gives is convoluted, pretentious and pretty much a perfect snap shot of all this movies dialogue.
He bangs on about choice and control for a while and says that swearing in French is like wiping your arse on silk.
No, he really says that! That's a quote! Someone got paid to write that line and to this day I STILL don't know what the hell it's supposed to mean. It smears shit around ineffectively because its not absorbent? The French language would make poor toilet paper...seeing as its a language and not made of paper...so I suppose we can all take that away from this scene. Clean your backside with toilet paper or some kind of water jet. Don't try to clean it with language. You can't talk shit off your arse.
The next bit I am not going to make fun of or insult, I am just going to describe it in a flat, completely straight tone, and let you judge for yourselves.
Mr M has a cake served to a woman in the room (its like kind of a restaurant in there...I assume the folk eating don't know the restaurant is lined with bombs.) The cake contains a special program and when the woman eats it she starts to become more and more sexually aroused. Mr M provides commentary on this as the woman gets all flustered. Then we see the green, liney "matrix vision" showing her legs and up her skirt. The camera zooms in-between her legs and there is an explosion in the matrix code vision, clearly symbolising an orgasm. The woman then excuses herself and gets up to leave, either to clean herself up or have a wank, the movie doesn't really specify.
After this prattling on for a while and saying very little with as many words as possible, Mr M tells them he wont give them the Keymaker and they will have to leave.
They then leave.
Oh...they kinda gave in a bit easier than expected, didn't they?
Our heroes now seem kinda boned as they have no real plan or a way to proceed. Fortunately Mr M's wife Persephone shows up to help them. It's kinda lucky she does, because after blankly agreeing to obey the oracle without her explaining anything to them, then sitting obediently while a strange Frenchman who doesn't know how toilet paper works and bakes cakes that make you cum lectured them and then leaving on command...you kinda get the feeling these guys can't do anything without someone pretentious telling them too.
Now at this point EVERY review of the this movie makes a joke about Monica Bellucci having big tits. It's internet law or something. No really, read any in depth look at this film and the reviewer will say something about how they hated the sequel but HOORAY FOR THEM TITTIES! It's the awful fake "I'm saying what we're all thinking, bro!" stuff, where the reviewer throws in some forced sleazy ogling because they are assuming their audience thinks that way. It pretty demeaning all round when you think about it. It seems especially laughable coming from internet dorks doing reviews trying to act like some kind of locker room jocks and doing an over the top and embarrassing attempt to emulate it and make it clear they don't really say things like that normally, but are doing it because they feel its expected of them in this context. Like when Neil Patrick Harris tries to pretend he's straight in How I Met Your Mother (proven by science to be the worst sit com ever made by a human) and ends up seeming like the gayest thing to ever fuck people of the same gender.
Right, so now you know why we have to do a boob joke, lets get on with it and tell one.
Alright...don't rush me...let me think of one....ummm ....I dunno...I didn't think her tits were that amazing anyway...hang on...the matrix re....wait....wait...
After seeing this I was Matrix Re-BONERED!
No....no that was shit. Let me try again...
You could say...damn it I can't be funny under pressure.
Alright, I'll come back to that.
What I do find strange about her focus on her jugs is that this seems to be the main thing people remember from the scenes she is in, suggesting people either forgot or blanked out all the boring stupid nonsense that is happening.
She will help our heroes if Neo will kiss her like he was kissing Trinity.
Sure...why not?
I assume that would mean awkwardly naked, covered in plug sockets while a rave goes on in the cave next door, but apparently not.
So they smooch and she takes them through special doors that can open to anywhere you want using special keys that the Keymaker makes (See? All links up!)
I kinda like this concept, so I will give em a point.
Things that I actually liked count-2
The frustrating thing is that boring and stupid as all this stuff is, it isn't something you can skip cause without knowing about Mr M and all this, the whole next bit won't make any sense...so sadly you can't skip this stuff...though you can ignore or forgot basically everything the characters say during it.
Persephone then introduces two guys to them that are meant to be very old programs that work for Mr M.
There is a pointless (there's that word again) idea floated around in this film that stories of ghosts and aliens are caused by programs going wrong.
She explains that these two can only be killed by silver bullets, implying they are werewolves or something? They don't turn into wolves so I know what this is supposed to mean. She shoots one of them because...wait...hmmm....I guess she has too many silver bullets? She then sends the other to tell Mr M what they are up to because...I'm not sure either.
Our heroes stand passively while she does this, because standing passively would be their response if you set their feet on fire at this point. I can't blame them though, this movie is leaving me stunned and I am just watching it. Imagine what being in it is like?
Our heroes get the key maker, an old Asian dude with loads of keys (see what they did there? With the name? You got it? Okay.)
Then Mr M shows up with some goons to stop our heroes. Persephone reveals she betrayed him because a girl was kissing him in the toilets and he still has lip stick on him. I have to give it props, this next bit is actually kinda funny. He says something about "What is this craziness, woman? There is no lip stick!" and she says "she wasn't kissing your mouth."
So he has lipstick on his dick from someone sucking him off in the toilets and she can see this because she has some kind of power to see dicks I guess. Might be a useful power for a lady to have, I imagine. Check the goods before you buy, so to speak.
As I said, this is pretty funny. It's totally stupid and idiotic, but it is at least kinda funny.
Wait...I just thought...was the woman who sucked him off the one who ate the sex cake? (Sex Cake...that should be the name of my band.) Did he give her the cake so she would be horny so he could get a blow job? Was that what that was for?
I'm honestly not sure if that was meant to be a thing, or if it was what possible point it serves. The woman isn't a character in any sense, so me thinking that doesn't really change the scene. I guess it makes Mr M a bit rapey, because he drugs women with sex programs so they will suck his dick. I don't really see why he would need to do that since he is reasonably good looking and really rich. Is he just into that?
And why does he want his dick sucked anyway? Is that what programs like? He isn't a human, so wanting physical sex seems completely pointless. That would be like me wanting to build a colony and make wax compartments for larvae. It has nothing to do with my reproductive cycle so I wouldn't get anything out of it.
Wait...does that imply ants get off on building ant hills? In a way I hope they do, they seem to get a pretty raw deal out of life in general so I like to think they are enjoying what they do.
And most importantly....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING MOVIE THAT I AM PONDERING THIS SHIT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT???
Morpheus and Trinity leg it with the Keymaker, chased by a couple of Mr M's minions, while Neo decides to hold the rest of them off.
Not sure why he is bothering...since its the ones chasing the Keymaker that matter but I think we have been a bit over due for another completely pointless fight scene.
Mr M's goons fire machine guns at Neo but he stops the bullets with his super powers.
These telekinetic abilities seem to be very specific as they only stop bullets as he can't use them to throw his opponents around or block sword attacks. So what seemed like an example of God-like power in the first film was literally the only trick he could do. If the Agents had carried throwing knives instead of desert eagles, Neo would have been fucked.
The whole fight sequence that follows left me confused.
Who are these goons that he's fighting? Programs I guess? Kung-fu programs I suppose? Can they be killed? We just got told you need silver bullets to kill them, so why doesn't Neo need silver bullets? Or is that just for some of them? Can programs die at all? Agents couldn't in the first film, which makes sense because the matrix isn't real so a computer program should not be affected by what happens in it. That would be like if shooting the bad guys in Bio Shock or Doom sometimes destroyed word files on my computer. Neo can't die I don't think. He came back to life in the first film near the end. Also he is kinda all powerful, isn't he? He beats up agents easily after all and Agents are normally totally unbeatable. These guys are just some random mooks, they aren't as tough as agents I don't think.
So I don't know who these guys are, why they are fighting or if anyone involved can die. Neo seems to win by stabbing and hitting them like they are normal human enemies...so that's that then I suppose.
Pointless Scene You Could Skip- 4
Damn it, I need another break.
I'll snarf down some of Mr M's cakes and get back to you with part 3.
Coming up in part 3-
The Never Ending Car Chase.
Indestructible Old Men
A Strangely Familiar Building
Colonel Sanders
Oh wait! I thought of one!
Check out the size of her pixels!
Cause she is like a computer program...so she has pixels.
And I am saying it like pixels are her boobs.
Look, fuck off! This review took a lot of time to write and you didn't pay for it! Don't judge me!
Seriously...everyone's a fucking critic.