Post by wordweaver3 on Mar 10, 2019 1:26:42 GMT
So I saw Venom.
It was really bad.
Thank you for reading.
No, no, I got more to say about that.
Ever saw a movie and thought to yourself: "This movie would have been pretty good if it was made twenty years ago"? That's Venom. Feels like it's two decades out of date and should have shared a theater release with Blade. The special effects are just that bad. It felt like I was watching Spawn a few times.
With that out of the way let's see if the story is any good. So Eddie Brock is a reporter that ends up losing his job because he's an incompetent boob and purposefully bukkakies his ineptness all over the bad guy on camera. He gets fired from his job and also his girlfriend gets fired from her job because bad guy is bad. Girlfriend leaves Eddie cuz I guess we were supposed to care.
Also a space ship crashes to Earth with aliens on it.
Space ship belongs to bad guy and he recovers some of the aliens but one gets away. They're called symbiotes, but I'm just gonna call em slime monsters. The slime monster that got away starts jumping bodies and immediately begins to head towards the plot in LA. This takes the monster over 6 months even though it took a plane. Not to mention how the hell the monster got through airport security looking like someone dying from the plague. That slime monster doesn't become involved in the plot until the last 15 minutes and is treated as important when it does.
So bad guy starts doing human tests with these slime monsters.
Let's look at bad guy for a moment. He's basically as threatening as Bill Gates. He's the kind of bad guy where you wanna pat him on the head and say: "You wanna be evil? That's so cute! You just go out there and give it your best shot, kiddo! When you get back I'm gonna make you some grilled cheese and tomato soup."
Anyway, bad guy starts doing human tests on homeless people and they die. Cuz the slime monsters need the bodies to be the same blood type or something. Never really gets explained. A scientist lady gets cold feet about everything and goes to find Eddie Brock. Why? Cuz he's the star of the movie, that's why.
So Eddie is unemployed and behind on all his bills. We know this cuz all his mail has "Past Due" stamped on the front. Scientist lady finds him tries to convince him to do... something? I'm not sure what she thinks he can really do given his position of being poor and broke. I guess he's gonna go on YouTube and post a vicious rant that will make bad guy cry. So of course Eddie tells her to pound sand.
Later on Eddie is breaking into the bad guy compound with scientist lady. Why? Because something something ex-girlfriend something and that's how stories go. You start off saying "no" but you do it anyway because someone showed you a circle with "hero's journey" written on it. Eddie goes in and starts taking pictures with his phone.
Just a side note, but the real hero of this story is whoever manufactured Eddie's phone. That thing has all the evidence and he keeps falling into the water or off buildings or getting hit by cars with it but it keeps on chugging no matter what.
So Eddie comes across a homeless woman he knows in a glass enclosure. He tries to open the door but a red light starts flashing inside, as everyone knows red lights hurt slime monsters. In a panic he starts beating the door down with a fire extinguisher, the lady bursts out and grabs him. Slime monster comes out of her and into him. Eddie seems to take no notice of this.
Alarms go off and Eddie has to run. Now he's super strong and can kick steel doors off their hinges and run right through fences and trees. If the slime monster could do this I'm wondering why it didn't just break out of the glass enclosure any time it wanted. I guess it was waiting for Eddie to show up.
Eddie goes home and starts eating garbage. Yeah, just shit outta the trash. I guess since this is a PG-13 movie we gotta get our gross out scenes somehow. I mean, it's not like you can show any blood in a story about an alien monster that eats brains. No less than three people get their heads bitten off in this movie but the amount of blood in the entire movie is about equal to one of those little tubes of vampire blood you can buy during Halloween, and every bitten off head happens just off camera.
Anybody else remember Farscape? That Jim Henson Productions show about aliens? Well, Ben Browder played a character that got an implant in his head by the bad guy that made him go super loopy. I think Tom Hardy watched that performance in order to prepare for this role. There's a lot of eating weird shit and acting crazy with something talking to him in his head that follows.
Eddie goes to his ex-girlfriend, finding her eating dinner at a fancy restaurant with her new boyfriend. How did he know she was there? Not explained, they just wanted a scene where he acts like a lunatic in a fancy setting. Boy, is it knee slappingly hilarious! Turns out her new boyfriend is a doctor. They take Eddie to the hospital to see what's up with him.
Now, here's something I want to credit the movie for. The ex-gf's new bf in a movie like this could easily be a minor villain. However, he's presented as a caring doctor that really wants to help Eddie with whatever is wrong with him. At no point does he suddenly go "Mwahaha! I've made this discovery of a lifetime! They'll name this discover after ME! Confine the patient and sedate him while I twirl my moustache!"
Which, actually, might have been a good thing to do.
So they put him in an MRI machine and the slime monster freaks out. Appearantly sounds in high frequency cause it great pain. Which is great information to know, but I have no idea how that applies to a Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine. They can be noisy, sure, but I don't think it's a high frequency. I think that whoever made this movie just wanted a scene in it similar to Terminator Genisys. Cuz if you're gonna rip off a movie, you may as well rip off a good one.
The good doctor sends Eddie home and the bad guy finally discovers that Eddie has his slime monster. He also deduced that he has achieved 'synchronicity' with the slime monster so a bunch of goons show up at his house so they can grab him and study him. Eddie beats them all up with slapstick and escapes. Now the voice in his head has progressed from just saying "Hungry!" or "Food!" to full sentences and controling his body. The slime monster tells Eddie that his name is Venom. Venom tells him that it knows everything he knows because it is in his head now. Thirty seconds later Eddie got a call from his ex-girlfriend and has to explain to Venom who that is.
Anyway, they get on a motorcycle and the goons start to chase them. Drones are flying around and keep trying to kamikaze into the bike. Every explosion in the chase scene is blue for some reason. These tentacles of goo keep whipping around out of Eddie and knocking around the bad guys and shit. Eventually he gets hit by a truck which breaks both his legs. The bad guys think they got him but Venom fixes Eddie's legs and goes full Venom on them. Big toothy shows up and it's fucking hilarious. He's like a black version of the first Hulk movie.
So Venom jumps into the water and escapes into the harbor. He tells Eddie that his species is all set to invade their planet, and there are millions of them. The then says if Eddie cooperates he might survive.
The funny thing is that we later learn that the slime monsters do intend to invade, but they have one major sticking point. They have no way of getting from where they are to where we are. They need bad guy to build another ship to go into space and pick them up. So their entire plan hinges on an Uber driver.
So finally bad guy alien shows up. He goes to bad guy human's compound and they become one super bad guy.
Eddie, still thinking this is the same movie it was an hour ago, goes to his old work to drop off his phone so they'll "do the right thing". When he's leaving the police swat is waiting for him.
No, I don't know why.
He gets into a big fight with them and probably killed a bunch of them, but at least Eddie stops Venom from eating one of their heads. Eddie's ex-gf shows up just then.
NO, I don't know why.
She makes him get in her car so she can drive him to the hospital. The doctor determined that he has a parasite inside of him and it's going to kill him. Eddie seemed to be okay with some weird thing inside of him that gooped out all over the place and bit people's heads off, but was shocked that it was somehow causing him damage. Ex-gf shoves him into the MRI room and turns it on, forcing Venom out of Eddie with the power of fucking magnets. ICP would be proud.
So they have Venom trapped in the MRI room but he escapes through a vent. Eddie storms out and immediately gets captured by bad guy's goon in the elevator. Venom then goes and infects a laughably small doggie. We see the doggie approach ex-gf and scene ends.
Bad guy has Eddie strapped to a chair. He says bad guy things and wants to know where Venom is. Eddie says clever lines to make bad guy angry and he becomes bad guy alien for a second. Then he just says to kill him.
Goons take Eddie out into the woods to shoot him. It takes them so long to do that even Eddie comments on it. Goons start getting sucked offscreen by goop. Venom shows up with tits (because we needed to see a female Venom) and bites off one guy's head. Venom then leaves ex-gf's body and goes back into Eddie. This doesn't kill ex-gf even though every other time we saw a slime monster leave someone's body it wasn't a match with it killed them. Ex-gf says "Oh, I bit that guy's head off!"
For no logical reason at all, Venom suddenly wants to stop his people from invading. He says he likes this planet the way it is now and that's due to Eddie. This causes the audience to give an audible "WTF?" since Eddie hasn't really done anything to have a good influence on Venom. They go to fight bad guy alien who is about to launch the Uber ship. The two aliens punch each other so hard that they end up knocking each other out of their hosts. Bad guy gets his alien back first and stabs Eddie through the back with a huge piece of steel. Eddie dies. Venom finally gets back into Eddie and brings him back to life, pulling out the piece of steel and using it to slice open the space ship as it launches. It explodes and the bad guy goes with it. Venom sacrifices himself in the explosion to save Eddie.
Later Eddie is talking to ex-gf on her porch. We discover that Venom isn't dead and is still in Eddie. They go to a convenience store and a guy tries to rob the place. Venom stops him and threatens all sorts of bodily harm if he doesn't leave town and never come back. Robber asks him what he is. Half of Venom's face peels away so it's half Eddie, half Venom.
It is hilarious looking.
"We're Venom." He tells the robber. Then he decides to eat his head anyway. Eddie leaves the store and we can clearly see that there is no bloody, decapitated corpse on the floor behind him. I assume he ate the robber entirely. Eddie calls Venom a "parasite" and Venom demands an apology.
It was really bad.
Thank you for reading.
No, no, I got more to say about that.
Ever saw a movie and thought to yourself: "This movie would have been pretty good if it was made twenty years ago"? That's Venom. Feels like it's two decades out of date and should have shared a theater release with Blade. The special effects are just that bad. It felt like I was watching Spawn a few times.
Okay, a LOT of the times.
The movie is even shot in a 80s-90s way where they look like they're trying to shoot around special effects that they can't do, but for some reason they do them anyway.
This is the most fakie fake looking CGI for a wide screen release I've seen this century.
With that out of the way let's see if the story is any good. So Eddie Brock is a reporter that ends up losing his job because he's an incompetent boob and purposefully bukkakies his ineptness all over the bad guy on camera. He gets fired from his job and also his girlfriend gets fired from her job because bad guy is bad. Girlfriend leaves Eddie cuz I guess we were supposed to care.
Also a space ship crashes to Earth with aliens on it.
Space ship belongs to bad guy and he recovers some of the aliens but one gets away. They're called symbiotes, but I'm just gonna call em slime monsters. The slime monster that got away starts jumping bodies and immediately begins to head towards the plot in LA. This takes the monster over 6 months even though it took a plane. Not to mention how the hell the monster got through airport security looking like someone dying from the plague. That slime monster doesn't become involved in the plot until the last 15 minutes and is treated as important when it does.
So bad guy starts doing human tests with these slime monsters.
Let's look at bad guy for a moment. He's basically as threatening as Bill Gates. He's the kind of bad guy where you wanna pat him on the head and say: "You wanna be evil? That's so cute! You just go out there and give it your best shot, kiddo! When you get back I'm gonna make you some grilled cheese and tomato soup."
Anyway, bad guy starts doing human tests on homeless people and they die. Cuz the slime monsters need the bodies to be the same blood type or something. Never really gets explained. A scientist lady gets cold feet about everything and goes to find Eddie Brock. Why? Cuz he's the star of the movie, that's why.
So Eddie is unemployed and behind on all his bills. We know this cuz all his mail has "Past Due" stamped on the front. Scientist lady finds him tries to convince him to do... something? I'm not sure what she thinks he can really do given his position of being poor and broke. I guess he's gonna go on YouTube and post a vicious rant that will make bad guy cry. So of course Eddie tells her to pound sand.
Later on Eddie is breaking into the bad guy compound with scientist lady. Why? Because something something ex-girlfriend something and that's how stories go. You start off saying "no" but you do it anyway because someone showed you a circle with "hero's journey" written on it. Eddie goes in and starts taking pictures with his phone.
Just a side note, but the real hero of this story is whoever manufactured Eddie's phone. That thing has all the evidence and he keeps falling into the water or off buildings or getting hit by cars with it but it keeps on chugging no matter what.
So Eddie comes across a homeless woman he knows in a glass enclosure. He tries to open the door but a red light starts flashing inside, as everyone knows red lights hurt slime monsters. In a panic he starts beating the door down with a fire extinguisher, the lady bursts out and grabs him. Slime monster comes out of her and into him. Eddie seems to take no notice of this.
Alarms go off and Eddie has to run. Now he's super strong and can kick steel doors off their hinges and run right through fences and trees. If the slime monster could do this I'm wondering why it didn't just break out of the glass enclosure any time it wanted. I guess it was waiting for Eddie to show up.
Eddie goes home and starts eating garbage. Yeah, just shit outta the trash. I guess since this is a PG-13 movie we gotta get our gross out scenes somehow. I mean, it's not like you can show any blood in a story about an alien monster that eats brains. No less than three people get their heads bitten off in this movie but the amount of blood in the entire movie is about equal to one of those little tubes of vampire blood you can buy during Halloween, and every bitten off head happens just off camera.
Anybody else remember Farscape? That Jim Henson Productions show about aliens? Well, Ben Browder played a character that got an implant in his head by the bad guy that made him go super loopy. I think Tom Hardy watched that performance in order to prepare for this role. There's a lot of eating weird shit and acting crazy with something talking to him in his head that follows.
Eddie goes to his ex-girlfriend, finding her eating dinner at a fancy restaurant with her new boyfriend. How did he know she was there? Not explained, they just wanted a scene where he acts like a lunatic in a fancy setting. Boy, is it knee slappingly hilarious! Turns out her new boyfriend is a doctor. They take Eddie to the hospital to see what's up with him.
Now, here's something I want to credit the movie for. The ex-gf's new bf in a movie like this could easily be a minor villain. However, he's presented as a caring doctor that really wants to help Eddie with whatever is wrong with him. At no point does he suddenly go "Mwahaha! I've made this discovery of a lifetime! They'll name this discover after ME! Confine the patient and sedate him while I twirl my moustache!"
Which, actually, might have been a good thing to do.
So they put him in an MRI machine and the slime monster freaks out. Appearantly sounds in high frequency cause it great pain. Which is great information to know, but I have no idea how that applies to a Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine. They can be noisy, sure, but I don't think it's a high frequency. I think that whoever made this movie just wanted a scene in it similar to Terminator Genisys. Cuz if you're gonna rip off a movie, you may as well rip off a good one.
The good doctor sends Eddie home and the bad guy finally discovers that Eddie has his slime monster. He also deduced that he has achieved 'synchronicity' with the slime monster so a bunch of goons show up at his house so they can grab him and study him. Eddie beats them all up with slapstick and escapes. Now the voice in his head has progressed from just saying "Hungry!" or "Food!" to full sentences and controling his body. The slime monster tells Eddie that his name is Venom. Venom tells him that it knows everything he knows because it is in his head now. Thirty seconds later Eddie got a call from his ex-girlfriend and has to explain to Venom who that is.
Anyway, they get on a motorcycle and the goons start to chase them. Drones are flying around and keep trying to kamikaze into the bike. Every explosion in the chase scene is blue for some reason. These tentacles of goo keep whipping around out of Eddie and knocking around the bad guys and shit. Eventually he gets hit by a truck which breaks both his legs. The bad guys think they got him but Venom fixes Eddie's legs and goes full Venom on them. Big toothy shows up and it's fucking hilarious. He's like a black version of the first Hulk movie.
So Venom jumps into the water and escapes into the harbor. He tells Eddie that his species is all set to invade their planet, and there are millions of them. The then says if Eddie cooperates he might survive.
The funny thing is that we later learn that the slime monsters do intend to invade, but they have one major sticking point. They have no way of getting from where they are to where we are. They need bad guy to build another ship to go into space and pick them up. So their entire plan hinges on an Uber driver.
So finally bad guy alien shows up. He goes to bad guy human's compound and they become one super bad guy.
Eddie, still thinking this is the same movie it was an hour ago, goes to his old work to drop off his phone so they'll "do the right thing". When he's leaving the police swat is waiting for him.
No, I don't know why.
He gets into a big fight with them and probably killed a bunch of them, but at least Eddie stops Venom from eating one of their heads. Eddie's ex-gf shows up just then.
NO, I don't know why.
She makes him get in her car so she can drive him to the hospital. The doctor determined that he has a parasite inside of him and it's going to kill him. Eddie seemed to be okay with some weird thing inside of him that gooped out all over the place and bit people's heads off, but was shocked that it was somehow causing him damage. Ex-gf shoves him into the MRI room and turns it on, forcing Venom out of Eddie with the power of fucking magnets. ICP would be proud.
So they have Venom trapped in the MRI room but he escapes through a vent. Eddie storms out and immediately gets captured by bad guy's goon in the elevator. Venom then goes and infects a laughably small doggie. We see the doggie approach ex-gf and scene ends.
Bad guy has Eddie strapped to a chair. He says bad guy things and wants to know where Venom is. Eddie says clever lines to make bad guy angry and he becomes bad guy alien for a second. Then he just says to kill him.
Goons take Eddie out into the woods to shoot him. It takes them so long to do that even Eddie comments on it. Goons start getting sucked offscreen by goop. Venom shows up with tits (because we needed to see a female Venom) and bites off one guy's head. Venom then leaves ex-gf's body and goes back into Eddie. This doesn't kill ex-gf even though every other time we saw a slime monster leave someone's body it wasn't a match with it killed them. Ex-gf says "Oh, I bit that guy's head off!"
For no logical reason at all, Venom suddenly wants to stop his people from invading. He says he likes this planet the way it is now and that's due to Eddie. This causes the audience to give an audible "WTF?" since Eddie hasn't really done anything to have a good influence on Venom. They go to fight bad guy alien who is about to launch the Uber ship. The two aliens punch each other so hard that they end up knocking each other out of their hosts. Bad guy gets his alien back first and stabs Eddie through the back with a huge piece of steel. Eddie dies. Venom finally gets back into Eddie and brings him back to life, pulling out the piece of steel and using it to slice open the space ship as it launches. It explodes and the bad guy goes with it. Venom sacrifices himself in the explosion to save Eddie.
Later Eddie is talking to ex-gf on her porch. We discover that Venom isn't dead and is still in Eddie. They go to a convenience store and a guy tries to rob the place. Venom stops him and threatens all sorts of bodily harm if he doesn't leave town and never come back. Robber asks him what he is. Half of Venom's face peels away so it's half Eddie, half Venom.
It is hilarious looking.
"We're Venom." He tells the robber. Then he decides to eat his head anyway. Eddie leaves the store and we can clearly see that there is no bloody, decapitated corpse on the floor behind him. I assume he ate the robber entirely. Eddie calls Venom a "parasite" and Venom demands an apology.
Movie ends and nobody even cares to find out if there's a post credits scene.