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Post by Horsie on Jan 3, 2015 15:34:21 GMT
I saw the first 20minutes... then I went back to reading Org's Odyssey to give my mind a rest.
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Post by Canuovea on Jan 3, 2015 17:57:20 GMT
Wow... that is disheartening.
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 4, 2015 4:27:46 GMT
I saw the first 20minutes... then I went back to reading Org's Odyssey to give my mind a rest. Oh, ouch! I'll have to give Ewok this, it's not as bad as I remember. I mean, it's awful, but I remembered it being really, super duper awful. I think my mind merged the two Ewok movies into one, so half the awful that I remember being in it wasn't actually in it. Like Wilford Brimley and that fast midget.
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Post by Horsie on Jan 4, 2015 4:29:05 GMT
Two Ewok movies? There was another one?
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 4, 2015 4:35:01 GMT
Two Ewok movies? There was another one? Oh, yes! Want me to put it up next?
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Post by Horsie on Jan 4, 2015 4:38:02 GMT
Oh goddamnit.
Yeah, put it up next.
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 4, 2015 4:43:53 GMT
Really?
Cuz I was shitting you.
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Post by Horsie on Jan 4, 2015 4:46:26 GMT
Thank God.
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 9, 2015 12:20:36 GMT
So the movie opens with two people who survived a shuttle crash worried about their missing kids, transmitters, and life monitors. Then the giant Gorax shows up. The 50 foot troll just happens to be wandering in the woods at night. Later we find out that instead of just eating them on the spot like a couple of granola bars, the Gorax just captures them and takes them all the way to his lair.
So screw them, lets move on to the “story”. This takes forever to get going. A couple of Ewoks get lost and their father goes out on a hang glider to find them. The father finds them stuck on a cliff, but that's okay because the only thing he brought with him was some rope. Which happens to be exactly the item he needs to drop to them so they can get down. It's like he had the script or something.
Of course the whole reason for the hang glider scene is so the father can spot something in the woods and investigate it. So they find the crashed ship and the two children, Mace (not Windu), and Cindel. The Ewoks capture/befriend them and take them back to their home. Their home is either on the ground or it the trees. Not sure because this keeps changing. Prolly due to budgetary reasons. Anyway, turns out Cindel is sick. The Ewoks have medicine for her, but not enough to make her better.
Okay, so here's the story. Not Mace Windu (who looks shockingly like a very young Mark Hamill) and the Ewoks have to take a hazardous journey to find medicine to save Cindel. They need to be quick because she is fading fast. Along the way Mace will learn to rise above his racism and trust the Ewoks.
Oh, wait. No. This part is just pointless filler. Guess the movie wasn't long enough.
So Cindel unceremoniously gets better. Not Windu and Cindel leave the Hobbi-- I mean Ewok hole in the middle of the night. Even though the Ewoks have been nothing but kind to them, not Windu doesn't trust them for some reason. Mostly because the movie wasn't long enough.
They get chased by a monster in the woods and have to hide the night in a hollow tree. By morning the Ewoks have found them (fuck if I know) and fight and kill the monster. They discover that the monster is a pet of the Gorax and for some reason has one of the parents life monitors on it. To the children this seems to mean that they are still alive. To me this would seem to be the opposite. Whatever. We're fucking nearly 40 minutes into this shit and there has yet to be a story. Shrug and go on.
So a medicine man tells them the Gorax has their parents. He's keeping them in a birdcage for some reason. Cuz I guess he likes the way they sing or something. There's no real reason for them to still be alive but we gotta have a story here somewhere. The Gorax lives in a place no Ewok has ever returned from, so of course they send a bunch of Ewoks and some kids.
Before they leave the medicine man gives them all an item that is supposed to help them along the way. Most of these items really don't play any important part except Wickets walking stick and not Windus rock (which he promptly throws away).
Some other shit happens and they find some more Ewoks along the way. They also find a pixie or fairy or some sort of dancing little fire sprite.
Alright, I'm tired of this shit. I'll finish this later. Not that it matters, not like any of you are on the edge of your seat with anticipation.
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 10, 2015 16:52:42 GMT
I guess now we finally got the entire entourage together. Good thing, because there's only 20 minutes left in the movie. Which is only enough time to do the rescue shit. We don't really get an opportunity to learn about the characters through their interactions outside of some forced sentimentality. They wasted so much time picking up characters that you keep forgetting are there because they have no character.
Meh.
So they needed Mace's rock so they could find the entrance to the Gorax's lair. Turns out the rock is a geode with an arrowhead in it, and the arrowhead points to the giant rock that everyone except the characters in the movie could tell was hiding the entryway. An entryway that is far too small for the Gorax to use. So not Wendu pulls out his blaster and blows up the rock. Who gives a weapon that can vaporize a 2 ton rock to a kid anyway? Seems the parents could have used that in the beginning of the movie.
After defeating a spider marionette that nobody bothered to try to hide the strings they go up some giant steps to face the Gorax. They use Wiley Coyote physics to get up to the cage where the parents are. Then the "warrior" Ewok starts fighting the Gorax. What was his name? Fuck if I remember, but we are treated to some more forced sentimentality when he dies. After that they have to kill the Gorax twice. Cuz having him fall down the chasm once wasn't enough. If the first fall didn't kill him why do we assume he's dead the second time?
So that's pretty much it. There's so much in the movie that really isn't explained. Like why is Mace not Wendu wearing a rebel x-wing pilot suit? Is the family part of the rebel resistance? I donno, they don't go into that. Maybe they were on their way to a Halloween party when their ship crashed. Why does the narrator say that Wicket is the youngest when his mother is obviously carrying around a baby the entire time? Is that just a doll? Yeah, I know it's a doll, but the movie wants us to think it's not a doll. Maybe they adopted. Why did they travel on foot the entire way when it was established in one of the first scenes that they had access to a hang glider? For what reason was the Gorax keeping the parents alive? He has bones in his lair so we have to assume that he eats meat. Was he fattening them up? If so, it didn't look like he was feeding them. The movie also does absolutely zero to expand the Star Wars universe other than to now give blasters the ability to vaporize rocks.
Now I promised that I wouldn't put up the second Ewok movie, but I am going to put in some spoilers for it.
Remember in Alien 3 where all the events in Aliens were rendered moot by killing everyone except Ripley? That whole end scene where she risks life and limb to save Newt only to have Newt get killed in a crash? Yeah, they did that in the next Ewok movie. The entire family, not Wendu, the mom, and father all die in the opening scene. Leaving Cindel all alone with Ewoks on an alien world. Isn't that the most pleasant thing you've ever heard of in a children's movie? Gosh! Doesn't that sound like a fun flick?
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Post by TempestFennac on Jan 10, 2015 18:50:34 GMT
That movie sounds as awful as the Star Wars Holiday Special (I've not seen that but I read about it). I don't really see why there needed to be a sequel considering how poorly developed the characters seemed to be in the first one.
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 10, 2015 19:29:31 GMT
Like the Star Wars Holiday Special, we are again treated to most of the cast speaking an alien language that isn't subtitled for our benefit. The Ewoks jabber away through the whole movie in their own language and only occasionally the narrator will drop in and tell you what they are saying.
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Post by TempestFennac on Jan 10, 2015 19:33:01 GMT
It sounds like Lucas had odd ideas about how these things work.
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Post by Horsie on Jan 10, 2015 20:32:18 GMT
Lucas had to have agreed to these out of some kind of obligation because of a contract, then did the worst work he possibly could as a big "fuck you".
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Post by wordweaver3 on Jan 10, 2015 20:43:45 GMT
I guess he was thinking "Wow! They actually let me do that?" and decided to up the ante.
I mean, after the SWHS he must have figured he could do anything and they'd air it.
Hell, someone thought it was a good idea to let him make Howard the Duck.
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