Post by Harkovast on Jan 4, 2018 23:21:10 GMT
Alright so I already bashed The Last Jedi on here, but I wanted to write another article to focus on the characters in the movie.
In particular...I want to focus on how INCREDIBLY stupid they all are.
Some movies you leave the cinema and then stop and think "wait a minute...why didn't they just...?"
Last Jedi made me think that in pretty much every scene as I watched it.
The entire story hinges on everyone involved being a complete dipshit.
But who is the stupidest? Only one way to find out....
WITH PORGS!
Let the scoring begin...
Hackman
I don't know the name of the codebreak character (because hes not a very interesting character and I don't care), but hes clearly the smartest character in the movie.
He correctly identifies that the conflict between the rebels and empire is a big pointless waste of time and instead just makes a fuck load of cash betraying the good guys and then fucks off.
He is the only character to end the movie in a clearly better position than he was at the start.
1 Stupid Porg
BB8
This little robot has pretty much god like powers when ever the camera isn't looking at him.
He convinces Hackerman to help him steal a spaceship, steals a giant walker robot to murder storm troopers and beats up and ties up police officers all while we can't see him.
If he was this awesome when the camera was looking at him the rebels would have wiped the floor with the Empire.
1 Stupid Porg
Chewbacca
Chewbacca is barely in the movie, giving him limited opportunity to act like a moron.
The only time in his glorified cameo that he seems like an idiot is when he has killed, skinned and cooked a porg and then sees how cute they are and can't eat it. Why didn't he notice they were cute BEFORE brutally killing one? Would have saved him a lot of guilt.
2 Stupid porgs
Princess Leia
Leia is in the movie a lot but actually does very little.
As the leader of the rebels she does a shockingly small amount of decision making.
This might be for the best as the few command decisions she makes are letting Poe do what he wants with their bomber fleet and then giving him a mild punishment for his gross incompetence. Demoting someone in the rebels is not a big punishment considering everyone just does what ever they want anyway!
The reason for this is implied later when Poe is unconscious and she talks about how much she "likes" him with Purple Hair lady. Leia, stop going all man hungry cougar when you are making command decisions!
She's unconcious for a lot of the film which keeps her from doing too much stupid stuff...not that she does much more when she wakes up.
2 Stupid Porgs.
Kylo Ren
Kylo gets suckered like an idiot by Luke at the of the movie, but hes one of the only characters to realise how stupid and pointless the whole rebel vs empire thing has become.
Unlike most of the characters, who just seem to stumble around from scene to scene, he at least tries to be proactive about it, so he has moments of being a complete moron and others of being surprisingly savy.
3 Stupid porgs
Rey
Rey wanders around the movie pretty aimlessly. She doesn't seem to have any kind of plan or goal beyond finding someone who will tell her what to do with her life.
When Luke turns out to be an asshole, she goes to see Snoke to see if he will help out.
This is completely bone headed and ends with her captured exactly as you would expect. However, though she does nothing very clever in the movie, her stupidity is limited to just harming herself rather than others, which is relatively rare in this movie!
3 Stupid porgs
Finn
Finn has a moment of bizarre super intelligence, when him and Rose work out how a machine that doesn't exist works while talking in a corridor.
After this, brief moment of genius (that just makes the writer look like a moron) he decides to give the rebel's military secrets to some guy he met in prison a few hours ago.
Yeah...maybe...maybe don't tell random criminals all your military secrets, huh?
3 Stupid porgs
Rose
Rose and Finn are pretty interchangeable for most of the movie, and are united in having the same brief burst of genius followed by total idiocy that gets hundreds of people killed.
However, she earns herself an extra half porg for ramming Finns ship during the final battle. She explains that they will stop teh empire by saving what they love, not destroying what they hate.
This makes no sense at all, especially because to stop his suicide ramming she had to suicide ram his ship, which would have killed both of them if they weren't protected by being main characters.
It also ignores the fact that Admiral Purple hair already did a suicide ramming attack to save the rebels, making Rose demonstrably wrong.
3 and a half stupid porgs
Alright now we are getting into the REAL idiots of the movie.
Luke Skywalkers
You know in daft comedies when something happens like a man tripping and falling on a beautiful woman just as his wife walks in and he goes "no, its not what it looks like!" ?
Well that's basically the level of what Luke did to turn Kylo to the dark side.
"Ooops! I don't want to murder you! It's all a big mix up!"
He then sits on an island sulking before FINALLY deciding to help. His help takes the form of a force illusion that appears so late that there are only 10 rebels left to escape.
Based on this, I think everyone in the first movie could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by leaving this washed up loser alone.
4 Stupid Porgs
Supreme Leader Snoke
Who is the bigger fool, the fool or the fool that follows him?
Snoke has been intensely following Luke Skywalker, seemingly unaware that Luke is a worthless idiot.
His command style is based on endless insulting and belittling his minions, and then being surprised when they betray him.
His other tactic is reenacting everything the Empire did EXACTLY and being surprised when it works out the same way. Who could have guessed the spherical super weapon we be destroyed when they hit its one weakness, or that the evil ruler telling his apprentice to kill someone in his throne room would be betrayed by that apprentice and killed?
Snoke combines total stupidity with a complete lack of original thinking.
4 Porgs
Captain Purple Hair
The purple hair admiral is a terrible commander with no idea what she's doing.
She refuses to tell her subordinates what she's doing, giving the impression she has no plan and is just waiting for them all to get killed. She doesn't even indicate that she HAS a plan.
Her weird secrecy seems to be entirely for the benefit of tricking the audience, rather than for any logical reason. She tells everyone about the plan to abandon ship in transports, so if there was a traitor, that would be enough information to doom the rebels (Which actually happens!) so why the extra detail that they actually have a location to go to rather than flying around aimlessly wouldn't make any difference to security.
Unfortunately, as well as working to convince people she has no idea what she's doing, she is also extremely tolerant of insubordination and full on mutiny.
When Poe goes on the bridge and starts calling her a coward and a traitor, she just has him escorted out. He should be in the freaking brig! This tolerant approach to a break down in military discipline leads him and others to full on mutiny which helps get more of the rebels killed.
Afterwards, she and layer confide what a hotty they think Poe is and thus forgive him for attempting to take over the ship by force. They can't stay mad at such a lovable, mutinous scamp! Me personally, I would have spaced him and all his mutineers. Out the air lock for that kind of malarky!
With such weak leadership, no wonder all the rebels die.
Poe "Damn the orders" Dameron
Poe is thick as shit and incredibly arrogant. Every plan he comes up with results in massive rebel losses for no demonstrable gain.
His first plan to attack the dreadnought is his most successful plan. It kills a lot of first order soldiers...but the first order has millions of useless, idiot minions to throw at problems. The rebels lose most of they fighters and bombers in the process, crippling their fleet. Poe throws away the strategic situation for a quick tactical advantage.
His mutinies and going behind his superiors back causes hundreds of rebels to die needlessly.
Near the end he launches a suicide mission against the Empire, wiping out those few rebels that remain.
Poe does more damage to the rebel cause than anyone else in the movie!
5 Stupid porgs
General "huckster" Hux
Hux is not only an idiot in this movie, he doesn't even get to keep his dignity.
What seemed like an interesting character in the first movie is reduced to a walking punchline that gets mocked by every character he meets.
How stupid is this guy?
Poe Dameron manages to distract him from attacking the rebels so they can escape...by prank calling him.
He pretends he can't hear Hux on the radio, confusing Hux for several minutes. He then makes a "yo momma" joke at Hux and then one of Hux's minions explains to him that Poe is making fun of him.
He is literally too stupid to work this shit out for himself.
Poe should have kept this going longer I think.
Maybe if he told Hux he wanted to speak to a member of the first order called Amanda Hugandkiss, he could have got Hux wandering through his ship going "I need Amanda Hugandkiss!"
OR better yet, he could have told him he new Snoke's origins...that the supreme leaders real name is "Homer... Homer Sexual."
Hux would have been on the radio right away asking if the Supreme Leader is secretly Homer Sexual.
5 Stupid POrgs
What do you guys think? How would you rank these idiots?
In particular...I want to focus on how INCREDIBLY stupid they all are.
Some movies you leave the cinema and then stop and think "wait a minute...why didn't they just...?"
Last Jedi made me think that in pretty much every scene as I watched it.
The entire story hinges on everyone involved being a complete dipshit.
But who is the stupidest? Only one way to find out....
WITH PORGS!
Let the scoring begin...
Hackman
I don't know the name of the codebreak character (because hes not a very interesting character and I don't care), but hes clearly the smartest character in the movie.
He correctly identifies that the conflict between the rebels and empire is a big pointless waste of time and instead just makes a fuck load of cash betraying the good guys and then fucks off.
He is the only character to end the movie in a clearly better position than he was at the start.
1 Stupid Porg
BB8
This little robot has pretty much god like powers when ever the camera isn't looking at him.
He convinces Hackerman to help him steal a spaceship, steals a giant walker robot to murder storm troopers and beats up and ties up police officers all while we can't see him.
If he was this awesome when the camera was looking at him the rebels would have wiped the floor with the Empire.
1 Stupid Porg
Chewbacca
Chewbacca is barely in the movie, giving him limited opportunity to act like a moron.
The only time in his glorified cameo that he seems like an idiot is when he has killed, skinned and cooked a porg and then sees how cute they are and can't eat it. Why didn't he notice they were cute BEFORE brutally killing one? Would have saved him a lot of guilt.
2 Stupid porgs
Princess Leia
Leia is in the movie a lot but actually does very little.
As the leader of the rebels she does a shockingly small amount of decision making.
This might be for the best as the few command decisions she makes are letting Poe do what he wants with their bomber fleet and then giving him a mild punishment for his gross incompetence. Demoting someone in the rebels is not a big punishment considering everyone just does what ever they want anyway!
The reason for this is implied later when Poe is unconscious and she talks about how much she "likes" him with Purple Hair lady. Leia, stop going all man hungry cougar when you are making command decisions!
She's unconcious for a lot of the film which keeps her from doing too much stupid stuff...not that she does much more when she wakes up.
2 Stupid Porgs.
Kylo Ren
Kylo gets suckered like an idiot by Luke at the of the movie, but hes one of the only characters to realise how stupid and pointless the whole rebel vs empire thing has become.
Unlike most of the characters, who just seem to stumble around from scene to scene, he at least tries to be proactive about it, so he has moments of being a complete moron and others of being surprisingly savy.
3 Stupid porgs
Rey
Rey wanders around the movie pretty aimlessly. She doesn't seem to have any kind of plan or goal beyond finding someone who will tell her what to do with her life.
When Luke turns out to be an asshole, she goes to see Snoke to see if he will help out.
This is completely bone headed and ends with her captured exactly as you would expect. However, though she does nothing very clever in the movie, her stupidity is limited to just harming herself rather than others, which is relatively rare in this movie!
3 Stupid porgs
Finn
Finn has a moment of bizarre super intelligence, when him and Rose work out how a machine that doesn't exist works while talking in a corridor.
After this, brief moment of genius (that just makes the writer look like a moron) he decides to give the rebel's military secrets to some guy he met in prison a few hours ago.
Yeah...maybe...maybe don't tell random criminals all your military secrets, huh?
3 Stupid porgs
Rose
Rose and Finn are pretty interchangeable for most of the movie, and are united in having the same brief burst of genius followed by total idiocy that gets hundreds of people killed.
However, she earns herself an extra half porg for ramming Finns ship during the final battle. She explains that they will stop teh empire by saving what they love, not destroying what they hate.
This makes no sense at all, especially because to stop his suicide ramming she had to suicide ram his ship, which would have killed both of them if they weren't protected by being main characters.
It also ignores the fact that Admiral Purple hair already did a suicide ramming attack to save the rebels, making Rose demonstrably wrong.
3 and a half stupid porgs
Alright now we are getting into the REAL idiots of the movie.
Luke Skywalkers
You know in daft comedies when something happens like a man tripping and falling on a beautiful woman just as his wife walks in and he goes "no, its not what it looks like!" ?
Well that's basically the level of what Luke did to turn Kylo to the dark side.
"Ooops! I don't want to murder you! It's all a big mix up!"
He then sits on an island sulking before FINALLY deciding to help. His help takes the form of a force illusion that appears so late that there are only 10 rebels left to escape.
Based on this, I think everyone in the first movie could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by leaving this washed up loser alone.
4 Stupid Porgs
Supreme Leader Snoke
Who is the bigger fool, the fool or the fool that follows him?
Snoke has been intensely following Luke Skywalker, seemingly unaware that Luke is a worthless idiot.
His command style is based on endless insulting and belittling his minions, and then being surprised when they betray him.
His other tactic is reenacting everything the Empire did EXACTLY and being surprised when it works out the same way. Who could have guessed the spherical super weapon we be destroyed when they hit its one weakness, or that the evil ruler telling his apprentice to kill someone in his throne room would be betrayed by that apprentice and killed?
Snoke combines total stupidity with a complete lack of original thinking.
4 Porgs
Captain Purple Hair
The purple hair admiral is a terrible commander with no idea what she's doing.
She refuses to tell her subordinates what she's doing, giving the impression she has no plan and is just waiting for them all to get killed. She doesn't even indicate that she HAS a plan.
Her weird secrecy seems to be entirely for the benefit of tricking the audience, rather than for any logical reason. She tells everyone about the plan to abandon ship in transports, so if there was a traitor, that would be enough information to doom the rebels (Which actually happens!) so why the extra detail that they actually have a location to go to rather than flying around aimlessly wouldn't make any difference to security.
Unfortunately, as well as working to convince people she has no idea what she's doing, she is also extremely tolerant of insubordination and full on mutiny.
When Poe goes on the bridge and starts calling her a coward and a traitor, she just has him escorted out. He should be in the freaking brig! This tolerant approach to a break down in military discipline leads him and others to full on mutiny which helps get more of the rebels killed.
Afterwards, she and layer confide what a hotty they think Poe is and thus forgive him for attempting to take over the ship by force. They can't stay mad at such a lovable, mutinous scamp! Me personally, I would have spaced him and all his mutineers. Out the air lock for that kind of malarky!
With such weak leadership, no wonder all the rebels die.
Poe "Damn the orders" Dameron
Poe is thick as shit and incredibly arrogant. Every plan he comes up with results in massive rebel losses for no demonstrable gain.
His first plan to attack the dreadnought is his most successful plan. It kills a lot of first order soldiers...but the first order has millions of useless, idiot minions to throw at problems. The rebels lose most of they fighters and bombers in the process, crippling their fleet. Poe throws away the strategic situation for a quick tactical advantage.
His mutinies and going behind his superiors back causes hundreds of rebels to die needlessly.
Near the end he launches a suicide mission against the Empire, wiping out those few rebels that remain.
Poe does more damage to the rebel cause than anyone else in the movie!
5 Stupid porgs
General "huckster" Hux
Hux is not only an idiot in this movie, he doesn't even get to keep his dignity.
What seemed like an interesting character in the first movie is reduced to a walking punchline that gets mocked by every character he meets.
How stupid is this guy?
Poe Dameron manages to distract him from attacking the rebels so they can escape...by prank calling him.
He pretends he can't hear Hux on the radio, confusing Hux for several minutes. He then makes a "yo momma" joke at Hux and then one of Hux's minions explains to him that Poe is making fun of him.
He is literally too stupid to work this shit out for himself.
Poe should have kept this going longer I think.
Maybe if he told Hux he wanted to speak to a member of the first order called Amanda Hugandkiss, he could have got Hux wandering through his ship going "I need Amanda Hugandkiss!"
OR better yet, he could have told him he new Snoke's origins...that the supreme leaders real name is "Homer... Homer Sexual."
Hux would have been on the radio right away asking if the Supreme Leader is secretly Homer Sexual.
5 Stupid POrgs
What do you guys think? How would you rank these idiots?